CNN Runs The World

I would suggest that you start here with this post before you read today’s post.   It is very important that you see where this starts.

I was over my sister-in law’s again picking up my daughter and I am no sooner in the house when she starts on me.

Her:  You never told me that Georgia was our Georgia

Me: What?

Her: The other day when we were talking about Georgia.  You didn’t tell me there were two Georgias. 

Me:  I knew what Georgia I was talking about.  What one were you talking about?

Her:  You had me thinging that Russia was invading our Georgia.  And that is why I was all confused. 

Me:  I didn’t have you thinking any such thing.  You had that preconceived notion already in your head.

Her:  I had a what?

Me:  You already had the idea in your head that Russia attacked the American Georgia.

Her:  Why would Russia attack our Georgia?

Me:  Maybe because CNN has its headquarters in Atlanta

Her:  Why would Russia want CNN?

Me:  Wolf Blitzer

Her:  Who?

Me:  Wolf.  He’s that anchor for CNN and he has a really cool name.  Sounds tough.  Like no one should %$@! with him.  But seriously, if Russia controlled CNN they would control the world.

Her:  How does CNN give you control of the world?

Me:  Everyone watched CNN for the news.  They are the world leader in news. Russia wants to be a world leader.  They need CNN.

Her:  Can’t they make their own CNN?

Me:  No one would watch it. 

Her:  Why not?

Me:  Ummm….. because it is all in Russian.

Her:  Oh (laughs)

Me:  The Russians are not going to invade us, they don’t want our Georgia and they don’t want our CNN.  Especially while Larry King is with CNN.

Her:  What is wrong with Larry King?

Me:  Everything.  Like what is he a King of?

Her:  It’s his name.  He is not king of anything.

Me:  Are you sure?

Her:  (thinks for a few seconds) I am pretty sure.

Me:  So tell me something about Larry King

Her:  (thinks for a moment)  I don’t know.

Me:  No one does.  Neither does Russia.  That is why we won’t have to worry about Russia attacking us as long as Larry King is on CNN. 

Her:  But what about the other Georgia

Me:  What about it?

Her:  Are we going to do anything about it? 

Me:  Probably not.

Her:  Why?

Me:  Because most people are like you.  They think that our Georgia was invaded and when they found out that their beloved peaches were safe they lacked any caring or compassion.  As long as people can get to Disney World they are content to let Russia do their thing.

Her:  What would you do?

Me:  Me?  I’m going to start to learn Russian.

Her:  Why? 

Me:  Because Larry King is only going to live a few more years and then Russia will be coming for CNN.

Her:  Seriously?

Me:  Nyet

You’re Cut Off From Disney World!

Russia invaded Georgia. 

That lead to a very interesting conversation with my sister in law Donna.  Below is how it transpired and yes I was trying to mess with her throughout the conversation.  And I would not really consider this a true Donnaism either.

Donna:  Russia is attacking Georgia.  Do you think we will go to war with Russia.

Me:  No.  It is not our conflict.  It is between Georgia and Russia.

Donna:  But we should be defending Georgia.

Me:  Why?  They have their own army.

Donna:  They do?  Since when?

Me:  Since they won their Independence.

Donna:  They did?  When was that?

Me:  A few years ago they broke away and declared their independence.

Donna: Why did we let them do that?

Me:  It was good for us.  Why would we stop something that would be good for us?

Donna:  How is that good for us?  And why is Russia attacking it?

Me:  Russia wants its oil and the access to the seas.

Donna:  Doesn’t Russia have access to its own seas?

Me:  Yes but they also want Georgia’s too.

Donna:  (sits quietly for a few moments thinking and then says) If Russia wins, will we have to now go around Georgia to get to Disney?

Me:  That’s taking the long way to get to Disney.  Why not just go right down the 95?

Donna: Doesn’t the 95 go through Georgia?

Me:  If Russia wins, we are going to move the 95 to go over Georgia.

Donna:  What???

Me:  What?

Donna:  What are you talking about?

Me:  What are you talking about?  People are dying in a war and you are worried about Micky Mouse and Donald Duck.  How pitiful is that?  It’s not all about you you know!

Donna:  (gets up and walks away)

Are You A Christian?

Occasionally I will be asked if I am a Christian and on those occasions I will give my standard answer that I was raised in the church, I am pretty knowledgeable in the Bible and I believe that there is a good story buried in there somewhere but organized religion has ruined it all. 

This usually where a pretty healthy debate and discussion begins between myself and the person asking.  My wife usually will, at this point, walk away from my side and mingle with others because she knows this is a topic that I can usually frustrate even the most devout of believers. 

But this is not a blog about Christianity and religion.  No this is about my vacation in Chincoteague and frolicking in the waves on the beach of Assateague.  For it was there that I was asked about my beliefs.

The setting is the beach of Assateague.  It is early afternoon and families line the shoreline catching the rays of the sun, playing in the sand, splashing among the waves of the ocean or body surfing and boogie boarding.  The weather was nice and hot and the cool breeze off the water made it comfortable.  I was out in the water waist deep with my 2 nieces and daughter enjoying the waves crashing over us.

As I am standing there a little boy swims over to us and asks me if I would keep an eye on him “in case a wave knocks me over and pull me out to sea.”  I’m not kidding.  He really said that. 

Me, being the helpful person I am and being a parent myself I am always mindful of keeping an eye out for children in the waters.  Even if they are not mine.  That is just the type of guy I am. 

I looked around and didn’t see where this kid’s parents were on the beach.  No one seemed to be looking over him.  Again, not a big deal. 

So one of my nieces asked what his name was and he told us he was Jonathan.  My other niece asked his age and he told us 8.

Then Jonathan looks to me and says, “Ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead”

Jonathan: “No.  I asked if you were a Christian.”

At this point, I am thinking what kind of question is this coming from an eight year old.  What does he care at this point?  He has already put his trust, his faith, in me to save him should a wave whisk him off to sea. 

Jonathan:  “Because I don’t want to be in here with no sinners.”

At this point, I am hoping that a big massive wave hits the kid and tosses his ass onto the beach.  I was going to tell him that I was an agnostic and let him figure that one out for the rest of the day.  I wanted to tell him that the majority of people on this beach were sinner because they all piss in the ocean instead of walking to the bath house and to get over it.

My nieces just laughed at Jonathan.  

I took a few dives into some waves and turned to look and found our local bible thumper working his way north along the beach.  Maybe he thought I got swept out to sea because of my sinnerish ways.  Who knows? 

I did look to the heavens and thanked God for giving me one more story to blog about.

What is in a Handshake?

My friends and I were having a discussion about shaking hands.  There are many different types of hand shakes and none of us knew the protocol on any of them.

You have the limp hand handshake

You have the hard firm handshake

You have the bone crushing handshake

You have the bouncing handshake

Who leads the hand shake?  Who decides if it will be a limp or firm shake or a bouncing shake?

Generally, I used to think that you shake softer for a lady and firmer for a guy but I have had women grip my hand and shake it so hard that I can only imagine how hard she grips her man’s unit! 

What about the sweaty handshakes?  I’ve had handshakes so wet that I could have slicked my hair back when we were done.

What kind of handshaker are you?

Breaking and Entering

I have a serious concern about my soon to be 5 year old son.  I think that I need to start saving, not for college, but for bail.

This morning, the boy and I, before taking him to daycare, stopped at Best Buy to purchase the new Wii Fit (yes, this fat old ass of mine is going to try to lose weight using the Wii Fit program) and discovered that the store didn’t open for another 90 minutes. 

I explained to the boy that I would have to take him to day care and come back later and buy it.  The boy, in his very clever and infinite wisdom said, “But Dad!  You can go over to the bowling alley, get a bowling ball and throw it through the door and get it.”

I then had to explain to the chucklehead that that is illegal, that the cops would come and take me and him to jail and we would never see his mommy and sister and me again and in all his clever and infinite wisdom he replied, “Well, you could wait until dark, wait until everyone leaves and do it.  No one would see you and know you did it.”

Oy!

I think that it is time to restrict his television viewing to Barney, Sesame Street and the Wiggles again.

I am also taking up to collecting money for his bail out fund.  I think that I will really need to have one.  Anyone want to contribute?  I have Paypal.  😉

When He’s Right, He’s Right!

Let me start by saying it rained last night.

My four, soon to be five year old son and I were driving in the car this morning and we were enjoying a few moments of alone time.  He was looking out the window and pointed out to me the clouds in the sky.  He told me with strong confidence that those clouds were going to rain on us.

At the traffic light, I was able to get a good look at the clouds and tried to explain to him that the clouds he is seeing was fair weather clouds and that those types did not carry any rain. 

He seemed to accept that until I drove under a tree and as I did, drops of water from that tree hit the windshield and he proudly proclaimed that he was right, those clouds do make rain!

Moments like that, I know that there is a higher power getting revenge on me.

Still Stuck In NYC

Yep, still here. 

So yesterday a few co-workers and I strolled through the city.  We started out walking through the neighborhood of Chelsea.  My co-worker J was curious about all of the blind people walking around with their canes and was inquisitive enough to ask the waitress in the diner we ate in “Are there really a lot of blind people here?”  To which I quickly countered, “This in New York, they are not really blind people, they are just creating the next new wave of style and chic.”

The waitress laughed and walked away leaving J without her answer.  When we left the diner, I had noticed that after we turned the corner, across the street was a Blind Center.  I pointed it out to J who, being very skeptical of anything I tell her (long story but she does have a good reason), asked how did I know that was the blind center.  I pointed out that it was the only building without windows so it had to be for the blind because what do they need windows for?  They can’t see anything.  I then pointed to the small sign that stated it was a blind center.

From Chelsea we walked down through the Village and Soho.  I love walking through the city on a nice day.  Everyone comes out and makes for great people watching. 

In New York, you will find people wearing the most…………………………….um…………………………….. interesting clothing.  They range from the very colorful to the barely there to the very bold.  Everyone was out and about yesterday.  I was thoroughly entertained and enjoyed the leisurely stroll.

I had a Corporate meeting out in Queens last night so a group and I made our way out there.  Since I had a car I was the driver for a lot of my fellow co-workers.  My job was to welcome some of the others and there was not a better way to greet everyone then to head to the bar and start a tab on someone else’s account.  That’s right!  I started a bar tab for 30 people on my boss’s boss tab.  We all were very social by the time dinner rolled around. 

After the meet and greet we headed to the conference room for dinner.  After working all week in NYC and having to work through the weekend, I felt the need to drink.  And drink I did.  I was not the only one that was interested in having a good time. 

After dinner and the meeting there was about a dozen of us that wandered back to the bar and what was on the TV but the Philadelphia Flyers beating the Montreal Canadians.  And how does any proud Philadelphian celebrate the Flyers  winning the series?  Yep!  Celebratory  beers.   A lot of beers. 

Our group dwindled down to about 4 by the time last call was called.  Not realizing that it was so late I tried to excuse myself so I could go to bed.  You see, I had to drive out to the Hamptons by 10 AM this morning.  That only left me to about 5 hours of sleep and 5 hours to sober up before starting work.  Needless to say, I felt like crap all day today and all I want to do is go to bed. 

So now that I have given another Rambling update, I can head to bed.

G’night all. 

I’m Out Dated!

The scene is a Supermarket, the non foods aisle.  Specifically, Aisle 2 – hairspray, shampoo, hair dyes, hair clips, hair ties hair nets and brushes and combs.  Everything one might need for hair it’s there. 

My wife and I are in that aisle, and as we casually walk the aisle, my wife and I are conversing about nothing.  Literally nothing.  I whimsically make a comment that I can’t believe that Aquanet still exists and I tell her the same old story about when I was in High School, had the long rocker hair that would be teased up like I was member of some 80’s hairband and how my friends and I in the band would douse our hair with Aquanet and rock out.  If only Liquid Life took off and rocked the world.

She is only half paying attention to me as I am pushing the cart and she is walking in front of it scanning the price tags for the sale prices and checking if we have coupons to match.  This is the hell my life has become.

We stop at the end of the aisle, in front of the hair clips, hair ties, fake hanging hair attached to clips, brushes and combs and the following conversation occurs totally out of the blue.

Wife:  You need a new brush!

Me:  I need a new brush?

Wife:  Yes.

Me:  Why?

Wife:  Yours is out dated.

Me:  It’s what?!?!

Wife:  It’s out dated.

Me:  It’s out dated.

Wife:  Yes.  You’ve had it since high school probably.

Me:  Ok.  Let’s assume that you are correct for a moment and that I have had that brush since high school.  How can a brush be out dated?

Wife:  Have you seen your brush?

Me:  Ummm…. yes.  And it looks just like that one (pointing to a similar one on the shelf).  It fully serves its function without fail.  It brushes my hair.  It’s functional and operational.   I did not realize that brushes have expiration dates.  I did not know that they go out of style.  I did not know that my brush was a fashion statement.  I didn’t know that I was no longer hip because I have held onto a brush longer than I have held onto my Members Only jacket.  You should be thankful that I no longer carry my comb in my back pocket.  Carrying combs in the back pocket – that is out dated.  My brush, I’m thinking not so much.

Wife:  Now you’re just being an idiot.

Me:  Me?!?!

Wife:  Never mind.  Keep using that old stupid brush of yours. 

Me:  Ummm….  I was planning on it.

Wife:  Good!

Me:  Good.  Besides, it wasn’t on sale and we didn’t have a coupon for it.

 

 

 

I’ve Insulted My Neighbor

It was a beautiful and sunny day outside today.  I was cutting the grass for the first time and all the neighbors were out working in their yards. 

While taking a break, one of my neighbors called over to me and within a few moments my neighbor and I were into a discussion about another neighbors new SUV.  See, the guy I was talking to is a big “green” guy.  He is into driving a Prius, uses Compact Fluorescent Lights throughout his house, composts, recycles, etc… 

In the middle of our conversation and his bashing of this other neighbor buying a big gas wasting, heavily polluting SUV he pulls out a cigerette and lights up.  I found the moment very funny and ironic and I made the faux pas of speaking before thinking and said that new SUV buyer was just as bad for the environment as a smoker.  It was kinda like the pot calling the kettle black.

With that, I got the look, and he and his lit cigarette walked away.  

Donnaism Again

We were talking about some famous music groups from Philly, over the weekend, and my brother in law mentions “Hall and Oats”. 

My sister in law Donna then proceeds to tell us that she never got that group.  I asked her why? 

She asked “What does Hall and Oats have to do with a city like Philly” 

“What do you mean?  It is their names?”  I say

“I know it is their name but what does Hall and Oats have to do with Philly?  There are no farms around.  What does HAULING OATS do with a city.  No one hauls oats around here.  It should be hauling trash or something.”

I think I bruised my hip as I fell off my chair and hit the floor in laughter.