Idle Ramblings of a Slightly Mad Man

Dear Mister I Am So Important That I Have To Have My Cell Phone On Speaker And I Have To Talk Loudly So That All Of Panara Bread Can Hear Me,

I find it amazing that in today’s world, with the invention of Bluetooth technology and how hip and cool it is to run around town with these little Bluetooth pieces dangling off the ear, you find a need to use the acient and uncool mode of communication in the form of a Nextel phone.  Not only did you yell loud enough for all to hear you side of the conversation but you also had the volume on your phone set so that everyone in Panara could hear the caller as well.

Is your ego that big that you need to show off how important you think you are?  Or are you just a person that craves attention because you have such low self esteem that you need to have other think that you are more important than you really are?

Either way, it didn’t work.  No one was impressed.  No one was aggravated with you.  No one cared. 

Until I came along. 

You see, if I had the luxury of time, I would have done much more to mess with you and your phone call.  You see, pompass asses like you provide me entertainment.  If I had the time I would have sat at the table next to you and been just as rude to you as you were being to the other patrons in Panara.

The only thing I was capable of in the short amount of time that I was there was to walk up towards you table as I was leaving and “accidentally” crash into the table and chairs along side of you and “sneeze” just as I was about to pass you and while I was grabbing a few napkins out of the dispenser behind you I picked up my own phone and pretended loudly to have my own phone conversation.

I could have done much more but as I said before I didn’t have time.

Unfortunately, you were so self absorbed that my actions had very little impact on your own conversation. 

I do hope you are there tomorrow.  I’ll have more time tomorrow. 

This Memorial Day weekend was picture perfect!  The temperature was in the 70’s, not a cloud in the sky, the smell of grills in the air, all the things that one would expect from the unofficial start to spring!

Or so I’ve been told.

I spent two of the three days in the hospital.  One day in the Emergency Room and one day in a room after spending the night under observation.  But it wasn’t for me, it was for my daughter.

Saturday night she went to her room very early because she was extremely tired.  She spent most of the day playing hard in the yard with her friends so it was not unusual for her to be tired but when my wife checked in on her about 6PM my wife noticed that she was running a low fever.  After my wife left for the night, my daughter came down to the family room asking for medicine because she was really not feeling well.  After a dose of Tylenol I did not hear from her for the rest of the night.

The next morning, Sunday, she woke but didn’t move off the bed.  My wife took her temperature and she was not running a fever but my daughter was complaining of bad pains on the lower left side of the stomach.  She could not stand and she was doubled over in pain.  My wife immediately thought appendicitis.

Off to the Emergency Room we go to the local Children’s Hospital.  While there the took X-ray’s, poked her stomach, called in surgeons, poked some more, took some blood, poked some more and took a urine sample.  Oh, and they poked some more. 

All during this time, she seemed to slowly feel better in that the more they pressed and poked her stomach, the less she complained about the pain.  The X-rays came back inconclusive and we were instructed by the doctors that they didn’t think that she had appendicitis but they were not 100% sure and wanted to keep her overnight for observation. 

Thankfully, she is very much like me.  She has a high pain tolorance and takes life in stride.  She was fine with staying and my wife decided that she would stay with her.  That was fine with me because at that point I could go home and watch the last 90 laps of the Coca Cola 600. 

The next morning, Monday, I drove over to the hospital and after they ran a few more tests they, the doctors decided and determined that her problem was nothing more than she had a turd stuck.  Poop!  Doodie!  Basically they told me and my wife that my daughter was full of shit!

I missed 2 days because my daughter is constipated!  I missed BBQ’s, drinking beer late into the night, hanging with friends and neighbors all because my little girl needed to poo!

So hopefully, you my faithful 8 readers had a better weekend than I.  Because, thanks to my daughter, who I now call my little shit, I missed out on the great weather!

Finally, To Those That Have Served, To Those That Gave Their Lives, So That We May Live          Thank You!

I have talked about the Aerogarden that I received as a Christmas present in the past and talked about how great and successful the lettuce growing experience was.  I also talked about switching to and trying their herbsand I have to say that I like how well the herbs grew.  I have a lot of mint and basil and parsley.  The chives and cilantro did not survive the cat. 

I have nice full green herbs but I do have to comment that they are not very flavorful.  In fact, I found the dill, basil and parsley to be rather bland.  I was disappointed because of how lush and bright the leaves and plants appear. 

I have also found the herbs to be very thirsty.  They sure do suck down the water but they grow quickly and within a few weeks you can start using the herbs. 

I am going to pull out the herbs and move on to the next experiment of tomatoes.  I have a pack of them that I am anxious to begin.  I am hoping that they are as flavorful as the lettuce was. 

All in all, I do have to say that the Aerogarden is a good investment.

I have a serious concern about my soon to be 5 year old son.  I think that I need to start saving, not for college, but for bail.

This morning, the boy and I, before taking him to daycare, stopped at Best Buy to purchase the new Wii Fit (yes, this fat old ass of mine is going to try to lose weight using the Wii Fit program) and discovered that the store didn’t open for another 90 minutes. 

I explained to the boy that I would have to take him to day care and come back later and buy it.  The boy, in his very clever and infinite wisdom said, “But Dad!  You can go over to the bowling alley, get a bowling ball and throw it through the door and get it.”

I then had to explain to the chucklehead that that is illegal, that the cops would come and take me and him to jail and we would never see his mommy and sister and me again and in all his clever and infinite wisdom he replied, “Well, you could wait until dark, wait until everyone leaves and do it.  No one would see you and know you did it.”

Oy!

I think that it is time to restrict his television viewing to Barney, Sesame Street and the Wiggles again.

I am also taking up to collecting money for his bail out fund.  I think that I will really need to have one.  Anyone want to contribute?  I have Paypal. 

Let me start by saying it rained last night.

My four, soon to be five year old son and I were driving in the car this morning and we were enjoying a few moments of alone time.  He was looking out the window and pointed out to me the clouds in the sky.  He told me with strong confidence that those clouds were going to rain on us.

At the traffic light, I was able to get a good look at the clouds and tried to explain to him that the clouds he is seeing was fair weather clouds and that those types did not carry any rain. 

He seemed to accept that until I drove under a tree and as I did, drops of water from that tree hit the windshield and he proudly proclaimed that he was right, those clouds do make rain!

Moments like that, I know that there is a higher power getting revenge on me.

I have a saying that I use with my kids any time they bug for something.  They know that once I say this, that the conversation is over because it is so impossible to accomplish.

When the kids and I are in a store and there is something that they want, they will either get a yes or a no.  Simple enough, right?  But kids are not content with just a no.  They will beg, whine, cry, deal, beg some more, whine some more, cry some more…… 

“But I really want that Barbie!”

But I really want that Iron Man guy!”

“But I really want that gum!”

But I really want that cereal!”

This is when I usually come in with my signature tag line, after the “But I really wants”.  I tell them, “And I really want a rhinoceros!  Looks like we are all going to be disappointed today!”

This has worked well for me for over 8 years.  Once I pull the Rhino card, they know it is all over and the conversation comes to a quick halt. 

This weekend my family and I were in the mall and we were looking for a few last minute birthday presents for the 3 parties that we had to go to this weekend and my wife and daughter went in one direction and the boy and I in another.  We were trying to get the most accomplished in the least amount of time. 

After about 15 minutes, the family all met up and we were walking though the mall starting to head to the car when my daughter started up with wanting this and wanting that.  Of course, she went right to the whine and the “But I really want!”  She wanted a slice of pizza but I knew that we were going to a party very shortly and I didn’t feel like buying her a slice when they were to eat at the party.  So I gave her my “And I really want a rhinoceros”

She giggled at me and reached into her shopping bag and pulled out a plush Rhino.  It is one of those Webkinz toys that the kids collect.  She thought it was so funny that she got one over on me.  Of course I had to buy her a pizza. 

A few times this weekend I found myself almost saying that I want a Rhino and my daughter laughs because she knows that I can’t use that phrase anymore.  So I guess I am going to have to come up with something a little more clever.

These kids are getting too smart for me!

It is that time to post a few of the amusing and funny search terms that have drawn traffic to my site or, as I affectionately refer to as “I can’t think of anything to write about so I will go to the old trusted standby of the funny and amusing search terms to find this silly little blog”. 

So without further ado……

Good Things That Have To Do With Animal - I so hope that this had nothing to do with kinky wild sex with donkeys, goats or any other animal.  I want them tested on, not molested on.

Can Dead Animals Be Used For Animal Test - If we test some new cancer treatment or antibiotic on the dead creature and it kills them, how will we ever know?

My Son’s Butthole Itches - So scratch it!

My Wife Peed In The Car. How Do I Get Th- Th what?!?!?  This is a story I am interested in hearing about.

Blogs of a Mad Man About Animal Testing - Oh Shit!  Now I am in for it.  PETA is on to me now.  

Then a few weeks later this search term crops up -

Markalan.wordpress Animal Product Testing- This is for real.  Someone actually used this exact search term.  I am now convinced that some animal rights group is on to me.  Pretty soon I am going to have Pam Anderson or Alicia Silverstone on my door step looking for me.    Hmmm…..  on second thought, that might not be a bad thing.  Spank me baby!  I’ve been a bad boy!  I’ve talked bad about animals.  Punish me as only you know how ladies!!!!

Kara Alien Abduction - I am not the only one they are looking for.  Kara is being searched out too.  I am not sure what I would rather, have PETA looking for me or Aliens. 

I Missed My Flight - And now that you have free time, you decided to read some blogs.  I’m touched.

 Lick My Lettuce - Um…..  Is this like a new sex slang?  Like a Roman Helmet or Dirty Sanchez?

Wanking+My+Son - There is so much wrong with this one.  I want it out!

Where Backflips And Front Flips Originate - I can tell you for a fact that it was not here at Idle Ramblings.  I can’t do them anymore.  The fat gods and age have caught up to me. 

I travel for work across the country.  I have enjoyed the hospitality of many great towns and cities.  I’ve been to Seattle, Chicago, Boston, NYC, Portland Maine, West Palm Beach Fla, Richmond Va and Salt Lake City just to name a few.

I have stayed in many hotels and ate at many restaurants.  While I always try to enjoy the local cuisine and if I can stay in the unique hotels, there are times where I do visit or have to visit the national chains.

What I have found, in my opinion, is that of all the hotels out there, consistently, Hilton and Holiday Inn’s tend to be the best.  I have had the best sleep, accommodations, food and experiences in these two chains.  I’ve stayed in Marriotts, Raddisons and others, and I have stayed in some very good ones, but they are not consistent across the country. 

As far as restaurants, of the national chains, Applebees and Chili’s have been the best.  Again, they have been consistent and their selections are broad.  I find that their food is tasty and flavorful.

Some of the other national chains lately have been messing with their menus, like TGIFriday’s and Ruby Tuesday’s.  They have cut down on their choices and reduced their menu.  I have been very disappointed with them lately.  I can understand why they have cut back on their menu, what with the food prices increasing and all.

That being said, I recently went to breakfast at a diner just outside of Brooklyn NY and ordered a Spanish Omelet.  What I like about a Spanish Omelet is that it is made, at least in all the other breakfast establishments I have dined in, with a  mix of cheese, peppers, onions and salsa and then I love to pour Tabasco Sauce all over the top of the omelet.  So good.

So back to this diner outside of Brooklyn.  I placed my order of a Spanish Omelete and opened my newspaper and read for a short while, waiting patiently for my breakfast to arrive.   

After a short while, my waitress returns with my plate and lays it before me.  I look at my plate and notice that there is an egg.  On top of that egg is grilled peppers, grilled onions and ……………………. wait for it………………  grilled celery.

My waitress turns to leave and I stop her.

Me:  Um…… excuse me.  I ordered a Spanish Omelet.

Her:  That’s it hon.

Me:  It is?

Her:  Yeah.

Me: (looking at it for a moment before turning to the waitress and saying)  From what part of Spain?

I am finally home from my tour of NYC and Long Island.  It had been an interesting week for me with work.  I had been stationed out in the Hampton’s.  During the day I was working hard and in the evening I was able to explore and enjoy all that the Hampton’s has to offer.  Unfortunately, this time of year, that is not much.  It seems that everything all closes at 7PM.  That is what happens when you go to a resort during the off season.

What I have seen does not really impress me.  It has not been a Weekend At Bernie’s.  Traffic is all jammed up and only moves at a maximum of 30 MPH.  I assume that is only in the middle of the night because during the day there are cars all over the road by none of them are moving faster.

What really surprises me is that for all the money this area is supposed to have, there is no cell phone signal that my cell phone can connect to.  Verizon needs to come to the Hampton’s because no one “can hear me now”!

Where I have been staying is a little Bed and Breakfast and I will be the first to admit that while they are quaint, I feel very uncomfortable.  There is something about staying in someone’s house that just does not allow me to relax and unwind.  I never make my bed at home and yet I find myself obligated to make it at the B&B.  Where normally I might watch HBO late on a Thursday night, I am embarrassed to even put the TV on at all.

Then there is the community shower in the B&B.  I find it odd having to share the shower with other guests.  In my hotel, I like to strip and walk to the shower in my room.  In that bathroom I can lay out my toothpaste, hairbrush, shaving needs, etc…  But in the B&B I am carrying all of my items to the bathroom along with my towels and clothes to change into. 

Maybe it is just me and my oddities. 

I do know that after being away for the past three weeks I was ready to get home.  I had not seen the kids and I had not seen the wife.  I am missing cheese steaks and Philly sports.  Flyers are in the playoffs, The Phillies are leading the East and the Soul is playing their best season and yet with all that good fortune going on, I am missing it all. 

Finally, May is National Masturbation Month and I am stuck in a B&B where I am embarrassed to take a shit because someone else might smell it let alone to rub one out and have someone hear it.  That being said, have a very Happy May!

Find a Penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll have good luck!

That’s me.  If there is money lying on the ground I am picking it up but not because I am expecting any additional good luck nor do I care if it is on heads or tails.  I’ll pick it up.  I am not superstitious. 

I have always been that way.  It is not like I am poor and need the money but I will pick it up and place it in my pocket and at the end of the day I have a coin jug that I will put my change in. 

The coin jug is kept in my bedroom but is shared by myself and the kids.  What we do is fill the jug with change or dollars to be converted and used for our big summer vacation. 

Right before vacation we will take the coins to the bank and convert them to dollars to be used how ever we want.  Maybe it is a fancy dinner, maybe it is a special souvenir, maybe for a night at the boardwalk to ride the rides and play some games. 

This year my son has been really keeping his eyes to the ground and he has been finding a lot of change.  When I asked him what he was planning on using his vacation money for he stated that he wanted a Tshirt.  Just hearing that he has plans makes me happy.  He is learning that he needs to save to get something he wants. 

As soon as our vacation is over, the kids and I will start the coin jug up even before we have decided what the next vacation destination will be.  We’ll keep our eyes to the ground picking up the money we find. 

The way I see it, the folks that dropped the money is just helping to pay for our vacation.

Thanks folks, and keep dropping that change!