Best Of…. V

Posted April 18, 2008 * Comments(4)

Kara over at Here We Go Again has mentioned that this is one of her favorites.  I have to admit that this is also a favorite of mine.  I don’t ever write about the intimacy between my wife and I but this episode was too good not to write about. 

May the Force be with you!

I Gotta Post This!

Posted December 3, 2007

When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would not write about anything that happens in my bedroom but sometimes things happen that are just too damn good to pass up and I just have to post about this one incident.

I was away all last week for work.  My work took me to NYC for a few classes that I had to facilitate.  Needless to say that when I arrived home Friday night, my wife and I were anxious to get the kids to bed.  Thankfully, we were successful in having the kids asleep by 9 PM and headed to our own bedroom. 

Just a few seconds after the Grand Finale the house phone rings, which is on the wife’s nightstand, and it is her boss.  Her boss never calls at home, especially at ten o’clock at night.   She takes the call and heads to the bathroom.  I follow her down the hall when suddenly I hear my 4 year old son open his door and come out into the hallway.  Quickly, I grab a bath towel out of the hallway closet and wrap it around my waist.  The phone woke him up and he was curious as to what everyone was doing. 

After pushing him back into his room and assuring him that everything was fine and telling him to go back to bed I entered the bathroom where my wife was to make sure everything was fine and it all appeared that the new from her boss was good news.

I headed back to our bedroom only to find my son on our bed, which we did not clean up, holding my wife’s “friend”.  He was holding it and swinging it like a lightsabre.  He said “look what I found” and proceeded to make the noise from Star Wars that the lightsabres make when he accidentally and inadvertently twisted the devise on.  The vibrations caused him to drop it while making him laugh at the same time.  I quickly picked it up and tried to get a hold of him to carry him back to his room.

It was during this time, during his getaway from me that he crawled across the bed and put his hand into the remnants of the evening.  He quickly stopped and told me “someone peed the bed Dad!”  He then sniffed his hand and then pressed his nose down to the spot and sniffed.  “It don’t smell like pee!”  At this point I am barely able to keep myself from laughing.  He holds his wet hand up to his face and gets ready to lick it and taste what it is.  I jump across the bed and grab his hand right before he can lick the palm of his hand. 

By now my wife has come back in the room, finally off the phone, and takes one look at the scene playing out and tells the boy that the cat got sick and that he needs to go to his room and close the door so that the cat does not puke all over his bed too.  Her quick thinking satisfies his curious mind and as he gets down off the bed my wife wipes his hand off and walks him to the bathroom to wash his hands.  Crisis adverted.

After he settled and we cleaned up everything we laid in bed laughing about how crazy, embarrassing, and funny the whole situation was. 

The next morning I overheard my son telling my daughter to be gentle with the cat because she got sick all over mommy and daddy’s bed last night.

Best Of…. IV

Posted April 16, 2008 * Comments(2)

Teeni over at the Vaguetarian Tea Room suggested the following post for a Best Of.  I had totally forgotten about this one and I am glad Teeni reminded me that this one existed. 

On this day, I was able to observe American ingenuity at its finest. 

The Riding Mower

Posted May 20, 2007

My next door neighbor knocked on my door tonight and asked if I would be able to drive my truck over to Sears and pick up a new patio set that he and his wife had picked out.  Being the nice guy that I am I said yes.

 So I drove over to Sears and parked at the pick up area and waited while he went inside to pay and pick up his merchandise.  While I sat with the truck I saw that in front of me was a Dodge Caravan with it’s rear hatch opened and the seats inside taken out or put down.  Two metal ramps were leading into the back of the van.  Very shortly I noticed two Sears employees pushing a riding lawnmower down the handicap ramp and around to the back of the van.  These tow employees took a couple of moments to line up this riding mower’s tires to the ramps.  When they finally had the tires lined up the two guys, using a running start pushed the mower up the incline.

BAM!!!!!

At the top of the incline the mower had come to a sudden stop as the mower’s steering wheel did not clear the top opening of the back of the Caravan.  Cursing, the two Sears employees pondered what to do next.  Determined not to let this small set back deter them, the one employee ran back into the store leaving the other to hold the mower in place.  The mower was partially in the van, mostly out. 

When the employee returned with wrenches it looked certain that removal of the steering wheel was about to take place.  As the first employee was trying to get the steering wheel off the second employee, still holding the mower in place and really starting to show the strain, came up with the idea that letting some air out of the tires of the mower would be the most prudent move. 

While holding the mower in place the employee strained to reach the left rear tire of the riding mower and removed the cap and began to let the air out.  This prompted the other employee to work on the right rear.  This move ended up being a victory for the Sears employees as they were able to now move the mower past the steering wheel.

BAM!!!

The mower abruptly stopped again as this time the seat of the riding mower hung up on the opening of the Caravan.  The employees, knowing the success of letting the air out of the rear tires, decided to continue to let the remaining air out of the tires.  As they pushed more they were not able to clear the seat.  The one Sears employee pulled down on the mower as hard as he could so that the other could bleed as much air as he could.  After removing all the air as possible the mower still would not enter the Caravan.  The Sears employee moved to the front tires and let the air out of both front tires.  Still a little tight and not quite able to fit into the rear the Sears employee pulled the ramps out from under the rear tires leaving the other Sears employee to wedge to mower into the van.  This finally allowed the mower, after some pushing, pulling and wiggling, to enter the rear of the Caravan.

The two Sears employees all but high-fived each other for successfully putting the riding lawn mower into the van.  Four flat tires and all.

What I will not be able to see, which should prove to be just as entertaining, is how the owner of this brand new riding lawn mower is going to remove the mower from his van. 

Best Of…. III

Posted April 15, 2008 * Comments(1)

The following post pretty much sums up the relationship between my wife and I.  She tries to be serious all the time and I am just a goofball that constantly makes fun of her.  I can’t help it.  She just makes it so easy sometimes. 

She is gullible to the point where I had her go to the deli and ask for Imported American Cheese.  The owner laughed in her face and she has never been back since. 

One night, while in the parking lot of the local mall, she was trying to use the car key to auto-start the car from quite a distance.  I told her that if she was to go over to the metal light pole that she would be able to get the car to start from over 100 feet away.  You should have seen her climbing up to the light pole and pushing the buttons on the car key trying to get it started.

For this Best of, I selected the post that has represented my usual conversations with my wife. 

Speaking Without Thinking

Posted July 25, 2007

I wrote about the new kitten we acquired several weeks ago and she has been progressing just like she should.  She has her first vet appointment this week.  She is now about 12-13 weeks old and full of life.

But what this posting is really about is how I continually get myself into trouble by speaking without thinking.  My wife and I were on the sofa watching TV and the kitten had curled up between my wife and I.  My wife was gently stroking the kitten’s soft fur.  Our conversation went like this……

Wife:  She is so soft.  So pretty. (softly and lovingly)

Me:  Yes she is.  (focused on the TV)

Wife:  I thought they were supposed to have that really soft and fuzzy hair as a kitten.

Me:  I have no idea.  (still focused on the TV and now wondering when I became a kitten expert)

Wife:  Don’t they do that anymore (very seriously asked)

Me:  No, that is a style that went out in the 80’s (very seriously answered)

Wife:  Idiot (scoops up the kitten and leaves the room)

Best of….. II

Posted April 14, 2008 * Comments(4)

In continuing with my best of series this week, the next post below is also a readers favorite.  I receive many search terms about bell ringing that lead folks to this post.  This is second in views to the Animal Testing Is Good post.

I have to admit that I find this post funny.  So did those that left comments.  Unfortunately, there were victims in this post that did not find my actions to be very amusing, as you will read.

 Originally Posted August 24, 2007

Please Ring Bell

The sign says “Please Ring Bell”.  That was all it said.  So I rang the bell and kept walking. 

You see these signs all over.  Very simple handwritten signs that say “Please Ring Bell”.  It comes off to me like a command, a directive.  It is telling me to ring the bell.  So I ring the bell.

I did this once at a CVS.  The clerk was ringing up my purchase and I saw the bell and the sign.  I tapped the bell making it ring and the clerk jumped, suprised that I rang the bell.  She then glared at me angrily so I sheepishly explained that the sign said to ring the bell.  She proceeded to tell me that the bell was only to be rung if there was not a cashier at the counter and a customer needed service.  I pointed out that the sign did not say that.  The sign just simply said “Please Ring Bell” and that if it was only for service then it should say that.  After my transaction I walked out of the CVS never giving it another thought.  I did return a few days later to that same CVS and noticed that the sign was changed at the bell and now read “Please Ring Bell For A Cashier.” 

So yesterday I am walking down this hallway in a building that houses different professional services and I notice a sign on the wall outside of the door.  The sign said “Please Ring Bell”.  It was a simple request so I did and I kept walking.  A woman comes out the door and comes chasing after me.  She was clearly disturbed by my ringing the bell and she loudly informed me that she is running a daycare there and I had disrupted the class by ringing the bell and walking off.  Puzzled, I asked her if I would have caused her any less of a disruption if I had rung the bell and not walked off.  Unamused by my questioning she demanded to know why I would pull off such a childish stunt.  I politely explained my reasoning and how her sign more or less requested that I must ring the bell.  She then explained to me for the third time that the bell was for enterance to the daycare and was not to be pulled as a prank.  I told her that if she wanted the bell to be rung only by people gaining entry to her daycare then her sign should be written in a way that will prevent any future confusion from people like me.

Wouldn’t you know that I walked through there this morning and the sign now reads “To Enter The Daycare Please Ring The Bell”

Best Of….. I

Posted April 13, 2008 * Comments(5)

I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a “Best of” this blog.  I figured that after a year worth of posting, there have been quite a few posts that I have considered some of my best writing and some that were popular with other readers.  So, without further adieu……  My Best of………. 

Interestingly enough, and to my suprise, the post below has been my most read, most commented and most controversial post.  If you get a chance, go back and read through the comments.  There are some really passionate comments made on this post and as recent as last week, it continues to garner comments.

originally posted on October 1, 2007.

Animal Testing - Good

This topic is going to offend some people.  My view on this is not popular.  But I am realistic. 

I had overheard a conversation between a few people about how animals are used.  They are used in testing make-up, medicines, diseases, military testing, drug detection, bomb detection, etc….  Animal lovers get theirselves all worked up, and understandably so, over animal testing.  I understand that people love cats, dogs, monkeys, dolphins, etc…  They are cute and cuddly (except dolphins, I don’t think you can cuddle a dolphin) and make little cute sounds that make some people’s hearts just melt.  They are passionate about how it is wrong, bad and cruel to use animals for testing.  I begin to lend a sympathetic ear to these folks until the realist in me kicks in.

I would rather take medicine that has been tested on lab rats to ensure that my stomach is not going to explode as a side effect than to gamble that it is safe without testing.  I would rather send a few dogs down a path searching out landmines and bombs than an 18 year old private that just joined the military.  I would rather use animals than humans. 

See, I value human life over animal life any day.  And if using and losing a few animals saves/helps millions and millions of humans I am OK with that.  Besides, it is not like we can test on humans anyway.  Ideally, I would like to use some of the wasted humans that are locked in jail cells and on death row.  I think they would make good test subjects.  And if we lose a few of those in the process of testing and for the greater good, I am OK with that as well.  Unfortunately, even on the scum of the earth we cannot test on. 

In the grand scheme of things, better a few dead dolphins, pigs, cats and rats then humans, in my opinion. 

Best Of Series

Posted April 12, 2008 * Comments(4)

Last week, I asked the question - Should I do a “Best of” for this blog and those that commented mentioned that they thought it was a good idea and I think that I am going to give it a try for the upcoming week. 

For my regular readers, all 4 of you, if there is a post that you consider one of your favorites that you would like to see me re-post, leave a comment here and let me know. 

It should be interesting how this experiment goes.   

 

I also would like to draw your attention to Kara and her blog,where she wrote a very interesting interview on yours truly.  Head over there and check it out.  For the past week she has been doing interviews of her readers and fellow bloggers.  Her experimentation in this has been most interesting and fun to read.

Dead Family Looking Down

Posted April 9, 2008 * Comments(4)

Do you think that our loved ones that have passed on can see us?  Do they really look down upon us from Heaven?

Sometimes I like to think that my father or my grandmother do look down on me and can see me growing up, see my family grow and see how successful I have become.  It is a comforting thought.  I like to think that they can see all the good things that I do.  Do they approve of what I’ve become?  Approve of how I’ve been raising my kids? 

I wonder.

I wonder if they see it all.  All the great moments in our lives, all the sad, all the funny and all the bad. 

All the bad…..  Do they see the bad too?  The fights with my wife?  The time I wrote on some guy’s shoe on the airplane?  The guy I flipped the bird at because he cut in front of me in traffic?  Do they see all that too?

Are our loved ones always up there watching and able to see all?  Do they watch when I am going to the bathroom and wiping my ass?  Are they watching me as I shower?  Are they watching as I make love to my wife? 

Or worse yet?  Is dear, dead Aunt Mabel looking down as I am wanking my pud?

Best Of?

Posted April 8, 2008 * Comments(3)

I was thinking, since this silly little blog is now 1 year old, doing a little reposting of some favorites from the past year. 

Has anyone ever done a “Best of…” on their blog?  How did it go?

Did you ask for readers to request their favorites?  Or did you just post what you felt was your better posts?

Or do you just think that a Best of is a stupid idea?

The Entertainment Meme

Posted April 7, 2008 * Comments(2)

I was tagged by Teeni and the Vaguetarian Tea Room for this meme and basically the rule is that I have to write a short little something about books, television and music.  Seems simple enough.

BOOKS - I read them.  I read a lot of different things but when I get a chance to read a good novel I really get into it.  I have been a reader for as long as I can remember.  I would stay up late as a child reading The Hardy Boys.  I would stay up and read as much of the book as I could because I was so captivated by the story and my parents would yell to me to turn lights off forcing me to sneak the lamp under the covers or into my closet to continue my reading.  Thankfully, my passion for reading has been passed to my daughter.

Television -I watch it.  There are just so many good shows on lately that I can’t seem to stay on top of it all.  My DVR is filling faster than I can watch.  The Discovery Channel and the SciFi channel have been exceptional with shows lately.  I think that the writers strike has hurt the Big 4 (ABC, NBC, CBS, FOX) and viewers have discovered a whole new world of television beyond them.

Music -  I listen to it.  I am not a fan at all of any of the current music that is out there.  Especially the mainstream music.  There is nothing good being produced or written.  It seems like everyone is trying to write that next one great hit. 

Gone are the days where you would buy an album (or CD for you youngsters).  Now people just want the singles.  They want one song.  That one song that will be a hit.  They want the one song that the music industry and the record company want you to listen to.  There are sometimes some great songs that are on albums beyond just what you’ve been spoonfed. 

I grew up on Kiss, James Taylor, Carol King, Led Zepplin, Warren Zevon and many more.  Every song on the album would be a great song.  Every song you would know the words to.  Today, the only albumCD, that anyone would know the words to would be the Now That’s What I Call Music, vol 384. 

The thing that the three of these forms of entertainment have in common is that they allow you an escape from reality, relax the mind, escape into another world, someone else’s world, and be led on a journey or an experience that you would not otherwise take.

Beam me up Scotty, put on some Dark Side of the Moon and let me try to break the Da Vinci Code. 

As for who I will pick to play along, and there is no pressure, it is strictly voluntary….

Eric

Kara

Heddy

and anyone else that would like to dabble in it. 

When I Die

Posted April 4, 2008 * Comments(5)

When I die, I want to be recycled.  In this age of green living, I want to do everything and anything I can to help save the planet.  Starting with my body.

I want my organs harvested and used.  I want to donate my organs to help others.  Any organ that cannot be transplanted to another body I want to donate to schools and universities to study and use in classroom learning.

I want my blood and fluids to be used and recycled too.  I don’t know if you can recycle blood, bile or urine but it is something that should be looked into.  Who knows what uses we could find for it.  Who knows, bile may be the next fuel source for cars.  Or milking my mucus for lubricants. 

I want my bones to be used for glue, or turned into fertilizer, or buttons for clothes or even used for a dogs chew toy. 

And my flesh, I would like my flesh to be cut from my bones and used to feed the homeless or used for dog food or something like that. 

I don’t think any part of me should be wasted.  I’ll be dead, so what do I care happens to my body.  But if we are going to recycle, let’s get serious!

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