Things I Can Do Without Seeing

There are just some things a person should never have to see in their life.  And I am not talking about the really bad things like watching your house burn down, or you dad die in front of you or walking in on your parents having sex type of bad. 

What I am talking about is a little less bad.

I was walking through the mall this weekend trying to get some Christmas shopping done and I was walking past Victoria’s Secret and me being the guy that I am, I took a look into the store at the hot and sexy stuff in there being sold and what does my wandering eye spy????  My aunt.

My aunt was in there.  And she was not just walking and casually browsing either.  She was holding up a pair of panties like she was inspecting them for purchase.   Some sort of high cut blue things with some sort of design on them.

EEEwwwwww!!!!!

I hightailed it past there as quick as I could and wanted to find a sharp object to gouge out my eyeballs.  I wanted to hit my head so hard that I would suffer amnesia.  I wanted the image of my 50 something year old aunt looking at Victoria Secrets panties out of my head.

There are things I don’t need to see.  There are things I don’t want to know about people in my family.  Things I just don’t want in my head.  GET IT OUT!!!!

As I am walking  through another section of the mall she saw me and came up to me.  I could see in her hands was the Victoria Secret bag.  The whole time she was talking to me all I could think about was her panties.  I didn’t want to.  But I was. 

With time, I should be able to get past this trauma.  I should heal.  I hope.

People are Stranger When You’re a Stranger

I have been doing a lot of traveling into New York City for work again lately.  I have been taking the train because my work does not want to spend the money on hotel stays.  I am not complaining.  I am glad to have a job.  But it has given me time to spend in train terminals and people watch.

You can people watch in bus terminals, airports, or anywhere else there is a gathering of people.  But with traveling people I have noticed that nearly everyone falls into one of the classes of people I will list below. 

• The Napper – The napper will close their eyes and fall asleep while they are waiting.  Sometimes I envy the Napper because they can fall asleep in all the noise, hustle and bustle that is around them.  And if you are really lucky, you can have a napper that is a loud snorer. 
• The Pacer – These folks will just keep moving and can not sit still.  They will just pace in a circle or around the terminal.  Sure, they will stop and read advertisements hanging on the wall or read the arrivals and departures but they don’t stay rooted for long.  They just have to keep moving.
• Social Butterfly – They travel alone usually and have a strong need to talk to anyone that will give them the time and listen.  They will scan a room and hone in on one or two people and strike up a conversation about anything.  “Crazy weather we’re having” “How about those (insert favorite sports team here)”.
• Loud Phone Talkers – This type likes to sound important because they are on the phone.  They will talk loudly so that we can all hear their end of the conversation because they have a need to feel special.  Basically, they are telling everyone “Look at me!!! I’m on the phone!”  Big fracking whoop-de-doo!
• The Bible Reader – I guess that they are looking for  “The Lord will not kill you riding the train/plane or bus if you read me” passage.  There is always a Bible reader around.  This makes me feel safe. 
• The Always Working Worker – This person is always on his laptop, always reading and sending email, scanning spreadsheets, and working nonstop.  They just work and work and work.  All work and no play.
• The Paper Reader – All they do is read the paper.  Cover to cover.  Page by Page.  Completely reading every column, every article and every word.  Hell, if they are waiting long enough they will read each and every classified.  These people are devoted to the paper.
• The Disgusted  – Disgusted at everything.  Disgusted at waiting, disgusted because they can’t find a spot to sit, disgusted at the loud phone talker and the napper that is snoring loudly, just disgusted.  Nothing could make them happy.
• Lost Soul – They are just lost.  No clue what to do or where to go.  They just walk in a circle looking lost.  They are not to be confused with the Pacer.

So there you have it.  The different types of people you will find in a busy terminal waiting for their ride to show up.  Which one are you?

How Bad Can Auto Emissions Really Be?

So I was thinking about this as I was driving up and down the New Jersey Turnpike the past week going to NYC and Long Island (which lately have been my second home) and I was wondering how bad can car emissions really be to the environment?

I was wondering this as I was looking at the trees lining the highway.  They were full, vibrant trees that have been growing alongside the road for decades.  Everyday they are submitted to exhaust from trucks, cars and motorcycles and yet, year after year, they never seem to suffer from any damaging effects of the pollution that we all hear about coming from motor vehicles. 

How bad can it really be?

I’ve Never Had A Big Mac

I was watching TV the other day and saw a commercial for McDonalds Big Mac and it got me to thinking that I have never had a Big Mac.  I have never had a Burger King Whopper either.

These are the signature sandwiches.  The main burgers.  The big meat!

They have never appealed to me. 

I don’t eat much fast food and when I do it is Panara Bread or Wendy’s. 

Now, suddenly, I have a curoisity to at least try one just to see what the big deal is. 

When I am forced to eat at one of these places I usually just get a double cheeseburger but now I am going to need to try a Big Mac and  Whopper.  Maybe I’ll try them together to not only try them out but to see which one is better. 

Am I odd to have never tried a Big Mac or a Whopper?

What is in a Handshake?

My friends and I were having a discussion about shaking hands.  There are many different types of hand shakes and none of us knew the protocol on any of them.

You have the limp hand handshake

You have the hard firm handshake

You have the bone crushing handshake

You have the bouncing handshake

Who leads the hand shake?  Who decides if it will be a limp or firm shake or a bouncing shake?

Generally, I used to think that you shake softer for a lady and firmer for a guy but I have had women grip my hand and shake it so hard that I can only imagine how hard she grips her man’s unit! 

What about the sweaty handshakes?  I’ve had handshakes so wet that I could have slicked my hair back when we were done.

What kind of handshaker are you?

That Was A Good One Wasn’t It?

I am terrible when it comes to laughing at inappropriate times.  If there is something funny said or done when it is not the right place or time I will almost always laugh. 

This usually gets me into some trouble, especially my wife, who hates that I will embarrass her or, in the case of the children, encourage them to continue their funny ways.

The latest occurance is one involving my soon to be 5 year old son.  My wife and I were strolling through the local farmers market and were browsing in the furniture store where they make all the hand crafted wood tables and shelves and such and in there they also have many of the rustic or country decorations. 

My wife and I were very involved in looking in this store as we are looking for some new pieces to go with the newly painted rooms.  We were having a discussion when out of the handcrafted gazebo inside the store jumps out my son. 

He lands in a karate stance and yells “Look I am Michelangelo!”

He begins to swing wildly two hand crafted candles, the kind that have the wicks attached that you hang from a wall, like they are nunchucks. 

For all those that don’t get the Michelangelo reference, that is the name of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

My wife was mortified. 

I laughed. 

She scowled at me and yelled at him.  She yanked the candles from his hands and hung them back up in the gazebo and stormed out of the store all embarrassed leaving him and I standing there.

I took his hand to leave and find my wife when he looks up at me and says “That was a good one, wasn’t it?”

Yes Buddy, it was!

Aeorgarden III

I have talked about the Aerogarden that I received as a Christmas present in the past and talked about how great and successful the lettuce growing experience was.  I also talked about switching to and trying their herbsand I have to say that I like how well the herbs grew.  I have a lot of mint and basil and parsley.  The chives and cilantro did not survive the cat. 

I have nice full green herbs but I do have to comment that they are not very flavorful.  In fact, I found the dill, basil and parsley to be rather bland.  I was disappointed because of how lush and bright the leaves and plants appear. 

I have also found the herbs to be very thirsty.  They sure do suck down the water but they grow quickly and within a few weeks you can start using the herbs. 

I am going to pull out the herbs and move on to the next experiment of tomatoes.  I have a pack of them that I am anxious to begin.  I am hoping that they are as flavorful as the lettuce was. 

All in all, I do have to say that the Aerogarden is a good investment.

When He’s Right, He’s Right!

Let me start by saying it rained last night.

My four, soon to be five year old son and I were driving in the car this morning and we were enjoying a few moments of alone time.  He was looking out the window and pointed out to me the clouds in the sky.  He told me with strong confidence that those clouds were going to rain on us.

At the traffic light, I was able to get a good look at the clouds and tried to explain to him that the clouds he is seeing was fair weather clouds and that those types did not carry any rain. 

He seemed to accept that until I drove under a tree and as I did, drops of water from that tree hit the windshield and he proudly proclaimed that he was right, those clouds do make rain!

Moments like that, I know that there is a higher power getting revenge on me.

Silly Search Terms – Revisited – Again

It is that time to post a few of the amusing and funny search terms that have drawn traffic to my site or, as I affectionately refer to as “I can’t think of anything to write about so I will go to the old trusted standby of the funny and amusing search terms to find this silly little blog”. 

So without further ado……

Good Things That Have To Do With Animal – I so hope that this had nothing to do with kinky wild sex with donkeys, goats or any other animal.  I want them tested on, not molested on.

Can Dead Animals Be Used For Animal Test – If we test some new cancer treatment or antibiotic on the dead creature and it kills them, how will we ever know?

My Son’s Butthole Itches – So scratch it!

My Wife Peed In The Car. How Do I Get Th- Th what?!?!?  This is a story I am interested in hearing about.

Blogs of a Mad Man About Animal Testing – Oh Shit!  Now I am in for it.  PETA is on to me now.  

Then a few weeks later this search term crops up -

Markalan.wordpress Animal Product Testing- This is for real.  Someone actually used this exact search term.  I am now convinced that some animal rights group is on to me.  Pretty soon I am going to have Pam Anderson or Alicia Silverstone on my door step looking for me.    Hmmm…..  on second thought, that might not be a bad thing.  Spank me baby!  I’ve been a bad boy!  I’ve talked bad about animals.  Punish me as only you know how ladies!!!!

Kara Alien Abduction – I am not the only one they are looking for.  Kara is being searched out too.  I am not sure what I would rather, have PETA looking for me or Aliens. 

I Missed My Flight – And now that you have free time, you decided to read some blogs.  I’m touched.

 Lick My Lettuce – Um…..  Is this like a new sex slang?  Like a Roman Helmet or Dirty Sanchez?

Wanking+My+Son – There is so much wrong with this one.  I want it out!

Where Backflips And Front Flips Originate – I can tell you for a fact that it was not here at Idle Ramblings.  I can’t do them anymore.  The fat gods and age have caught up to me. 

 

In My Opinion…

I travel for work across the country.  I have enjoyed the hospitality of many great towns and cities.  I’ve been to Seattle, Chicago, Boston, NYC, Portland Maine, West Palm Beach Fla, Richmond Va and Salt Lake City just to name a few.

I have stayed in many hotels and ate at many restaurants.  While I always try to enjoy the local cuisine and if I can stay in the unique hotels, there are times where I do visit or have to visit the national chains.

What I have found, in my opinion, is that of all the hotels out there, consistently, Hilton and Holiday Inn’s tend to be the best.  I have had the best sleep, accommodations, food and experiences in these two chains.  I’ve stayed in Marriotts, Raddisons and others, and I have stayed in some very good ones, but they are not consistent across the country. 

As far as restaurants, of the national chains, Applebees and Chili’s have been the best.  Again, they have been consistent and their selections are broad.  I find that their food is tasty and flavorful.

Some of the other national chains lately have been messing with their menus, like TGIFriday’s and Ruby Tuesday’s.  They have cut down on their choices and reduced their menu.  I have been very disappointed with them lately.  I can understand why they have cut back on their menu, what with the food prices increasing and all.

That being said, I recently went to breakfast at a diner just outside of Brooklyn NY and ordered a Spanish Omelet.  What I like about a Spanish Omelet is that it is made, at least in all the other breakfast establishments I have dined in, with a  mix of cheese, peppers, onions and salsa and then I love to pour Tabasco Sauce all over the top of the omelet.  So good.

So back to this diner outside of Brooklyn.  I placed my order of a Spanish Omelete and opened my newspaper and read for a short while, waiting patiently for my breakfast to arrive.   

After a short while, my waitress returns with my plate and lays it before me.  I look at my plate and notice that there is an egg.  On top of that egg is grilled peppers, grilled onions and ……………………. wait for it………………  grilled celery.

My waitress turns to leave and I stop her.

Me:  Um…… excuse me.  I ordered a Spanish Omelet.

Her:  That’s it hon.

Me:  It is?

Her:  Yeah.

Me: (looking at it for a moment before turning to the waitress and saying)  From what part of Spain?