I am finally home from my tour of NYC and Long Island.  It had been an interesting week for me with work.  I had been stationed out in the Hampton’s.  During the day I was working hard and in the evening I was able to explore and enjoy all that the Hampton’s has to offer.  Unfortunately, this time of year, that is not much.  It seems that everything all closes at 7PM.  That is what happens when you go to a resort during the off season.

What I have seen does not really impress me.  It has not been a Weekend At Bernie’s.  Traffic is all jammed up and only moves at a maximum of 30 MPH.  I assume that is only in the middle of the night because during the day there are cars all over the road by none of them are moving faster.

What really surprises me is that for all the money this area is supposed to have, there is no cell phone signal that my cell phone can connect to.  Verizon needs to come to the Hampton’s because no one “can hear me now”!

Where I have been staying is a little Bed and Breakfast and I will be the first to admit that while they are quaint, I feel very uncomfortable.  There is something about staying in someone’s house that just does not allow me to relax and unwind.  I never make my bed at home and yet I find myself obligated to make it at the B&B.  Where normally I might watch HBO late on a Thursday night, I am embarrassed to even put the TV on at all.

Then there is the community shower in the B&B.  I find it odd having to share the shower with other guests.  In my hotel, I like to strip and walk to the shower in my room.  In that bathroom I can lay out my toothpaste, hairbrush, shaving needs, etc…  But in the B&B I am carrying all of my items to the bathroom along with my towels and clothes to change into. 

Maybe it is just me and my oddities. 

I do know that after being away for the past three weeks I was ready to get home.  I had not seen the kids and I had not seen the wife.  I am missing cheese steaks and Philly sports.  Flyers are in the playoffs, The Phillies are leading the East and the Soul is playing their best season and yet with all that good fortune going on, I am missing it all. 

Finally, May is National Masturbation Month and I am stuck in a B&B where I am embarrassed to take a shit because someone else might smell it let alone to rub one out and have someone hear it.  That being said, have a very Happy May!

Find a Penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll have good luck!

That’s me.  If there is money lying on the ground I am picking it up but not because I am expecting any additional good luck nor do I care if it is on heads or tails.  I’ll pick it up.  I am not superstitious. 

I have always been that way.  It is not like I am poor and need the money but I will pick it up and place it in my pocket and at the end of the day I have a coin jug that I will put my change in. 

The coin jug is kept in my bedroom but is shared by myself and the kids.  What we do is fill the jug with change or dollars to be converted and used for our big summer vacation. 

Right before vacation we will take the coins to the bank and convert them to dollars to be used how ever we want.  Maybe it is a fancy dinner, maybe it is a special souvenir, maybe for a night at the boardwalk to ride the rides and play some games. 

This year my son has been really keeping his eyes to the ground and he has been finding a lot of change.  When I asked him what he was planning on using his vacation money for he stated that he wanted a Tshirt.  Just hearing that he has plans makes me happy.  He is learning that he needs to save to get something he wants. 

As soon as our vacation is over, the kids and I will start the coin jug up even before we have decided what the next vacation destination will be.  We’ll keep our eyes to the ground picking up the money we find. 

The way I see it, the folks that dropped the money is just helping to pay for our vacation.

Thanks folks, and keep dropping that change!

The scene is a Supermarket, the non foods aisle.  Specifically, Aisle 2 - hairspray, shampoo, hair dyes, hair clips, hair ties hair nets and brushes and combs.  Everything one might need for hair it’s there. 

My wife and I are in that aisle, and as we casually walk the aisle, my wife and I are conversing about nothing.  Literally nothing.  I whimsically make a comment that I can’t believe that Aquanet still exists and I tell her the same old story about when I was in High School, had the long rocker hair that would be teased up like I was member of some 80’s hairband and how my friends and I in the band would douse our hair with Aquanet and rock out.  If only Liquid Life took off and rocked the world.

She is only half paying attention to me as I am pushing the cart and she is walking in front of it scanning the price tags for the sale prices and checking if we have coupons to match.  This is the hell my life has become.

We stop at the end of the aisle, in front of the hair clips, hair ties, fake hanging hair attached to clips, brushes and combs and the following conversation occurs totally out of the blue.

Wife:  You need a new brush!

Me:  I need a new brush?

Wife:  Yes.

Me:  Why?

Wife:  Yours is out dated.

Me:  It’s what?!?!

Wife:  It’s out dated.

Me:  It’s out dated.

Wife:  Yes.  You’ve had it since high school probably.

Me:  Ok.  Let’s assume that you are correct for a moment and that I have had that brush since high school.  How can a brush be out dated?

Wife:  Have you seen your brush?

Me:  Ummm…. yes.  And it looks just like that one (pointing to a similar one on the shelf).  It fully serves its function without fail.  It brushes my hair.  It’s functional and operational.   I did not realize that brushes have expiration dates.  I did not know that they go out of style.  I did not know that my brush was a fashion statement.  I didn’t know that I was no longer hip because I have held onto a brush longer than I have held onto my Members Only jacket.  You should be thankful that I no longer carry my comb in my back pocket.  Carrying combs in the back pocket - that is out dated.  My brush, I’m thinking not so much.

Wife:  Now you’re just being an idiot.

Me:  Me?!?!

Wife:  Never mind.  Keep using that old stupid brush of yours. 

Me:  Ummm….  I was planning on it.

Wife:  Good!

Me:  Good.  Besides, it wasn’t on sale and we didn’t have a coupon for it.

Kara over at Here We Go Again has mentioned that this is one of her favorites.  I have to admit that this is also a favorite of mine.  I don’t ever write about the intimacy between my wife and I but this episode was too good not to write about. 

May the Force be with you!

The following post pretty much sums up the relationship between my wife and I.  She tries to be serious all the time and I am just a goofball that constantly makes fun of her.  I can’t help it.  She just makes it so easy sometimes. 

She is gullible to the point where I had her go to the deli and ask for Imported American Cheese.  The owner laughed in her face and she has never been back since. 

One night, while in the parking lot of the local mall, she was trying to use the car key to auto-start the car from quite a distance.  I told her that if she was to go over to the metal light pole that she would be able to get the car to start from over 100 feet away.  You should have seen her climbing up to the light pole and pushing the buttons on the car key trying to get it started.

For this Best of, I selected the post that has represented my usual conversations with my wife. 

Speaking Without Thinking

In continuing with my best of series this week, the next post below is also a readers favorite.  I receive many search terms about bell ringing that lead folks to this post.  This is second in views to the Animal Testing Is Good post.

I have to admit that I find this post funny.  So did those that left comments.  Unfortunately, there were victims in this post that did not find my actions to be very amusing, as you will read.

 Originally Posted August 24, 2007

Please Ring Bell

The sign says “Please Ring Bell”.  That was all it said.  So I rang the bell and kept walking. 

You see these signs all over.  Very simple handwritten signs that say “Please Ring Bell”.  It comes off to me like a command, a directive.  It is telling me to ring the bell.  So I ring the bell.

I did this once at a CVS.  The clerk was ringing up my purchase and I saw the bell and the sign.  I tapped the bell making it ring and the clerk jumped, suprised that I rang the bell.  She then glared at me angrily so I sheepishly explained that the sign said to ring the bell.  She proceeded to tell me that the bell was only to be rung if there was not a cashier at the counter and a customer needed service.  I pointed out that the sign did not say that.  The sign just simply said “Please Ring Bell” and that if it was only for service then it should say that.  After my transaction I walked out of the CVS never giving it another thought.  I did return a few days later to that same CVS and noticed that the sign was changed at the bell and now read “Please Ring Bell For A Cashier.” 

So yesterday I am walking down this hallway in a building that houses different professional services and I notice a sign on the wall outside of the door.  The sign said “Please Ring Bell”.  It was a simple request so I did and I kept walking.  A woman comes out the door and comes chasing after me.  She was clearly disturbed by my ringing the bell and she loudly informed me that she is running a daycare there and I had disrupted the class by ringing the bell and walking off.  Puzzled, I asked her if I would have caused her any less of a disruption if I had rung the bell and not walked off.  Unamused by my questioning she demanded to know why I would pull off such a childish stunt.  I politely explained my reasoning and how her sign more or less requested that I must ring the bell.  She then explained to me for the third time that the bell was for enterance to the daycare and was not to be pulled as a prank.  I told her that if she wanted the bell to be rung only by people gaining entry to her daycare then her sign should be written in a way that will prevent any future confusion from people like me.

Wouldn’t you know that I walked through there this morning and the sign now reads “To Enter The Daycare Please Ring The Bell”

I’ve toyed with the idea of writing a “Best of” this blog.  I figured that after a year worth of posting, there have been quite a few posts that I have considered some of my best writing and some that were popular with other readers.  So, without further adieu……  My Best of………. 

Interestingly enough, and to my suprise, the post below has been my most read, most commented and most controversial post.  If you get a chance, go back and read through the comments.  There are some really passionate comments made on this post and as recent as last week, it continues to garner comments.

originally posted on October 1, 2007.

Animal Testing - Good

People handle grief in many different ways and people like to remember the dead in their own meaningful ways but what I don’t understand is people that will plaster across the rear windshield of their car a memorial with all the information of that individual which should be placed on the headstone, not rear window of a car. 

Driving into work this morning is a Dodge Magnum with a rear window full of what amounts to an obituary.  It was large writing, contained a picture/image of the deceased, birth and death dates and noting that the deseased was a loving cousin, sister, brother, mother, aunt, uncle, neighbor, homeroom mother, scout leader, gang member, father and animal lover.  

It was almost like it was being shoved down my throat that this person had died and I had better recognize!

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but when something like this is shoved in my face, and no, I really could not avoid it as this vehicle was in front of me in bumper to bumper traffic, but when this is shoved in my face I guess I have to just vent about it. 

If you want people to read about  and remember the dead, place an obit in the newspaper like everyone else.

The Philadelphia Soul is an AFL Football team, for those that may not know.  I am a season ticket holder.  I have been now for a few years.  My wife and I go and have a great time.  We don’t get many dates out together much and this is one thing we both look forward to.

So we went to yesterday’s game and while in the main concourse we were stopped by a gentleman asking if we would be interested in “upgrading” our tickets.  I was skeptical at first, one because it seemed like an odd question and two, I really like where my season tickets are located.

The guy started to explain that we would be sitting down behind the end zone.  Again, I was reluctant because I have sat in end zone sections and I am not a big fan watching the game from those end zone seats because of the net and uprights that can be in your line of sight.  Then as the guy went through his explanation, I started to put two and two together and realized, before he even said the words, that he was talking about the two recliner seats that are part of the Aarons Lucky Dog seats that are in the end zone, below the uprights and the netting.  These seats are almost like sitting on the field. 

Of course my wife and I said yes and before the game started we were led down under the Wachovia Center and guided to the seats.  We then were introduced to Melissa (one of the game hosts) and briefed as to what will happen when she speaks to us and we are presented to the crowd.  My wife was nervous.  She is not someone that enjoys all eyes on her.  After our promo appearance we were able to relax and enjoy the game. 

I have to say that I always wondered what one had to do to win those seats and now I know that it is totally random and being lucky.  What a great way to watch a game. 

From those seats we saw tons of action, got close to the players and action on the field.  At the end of the game, for the last 3 minutes of the game, Soulman (the team mascot) sat with us and cheered on the Soul as the won their 5 game in a row this season. 

Rewatching the game (I DVR’d it) and putting it in perspective, it was not a very interesting game, it was a rather dull game.  Many penalties by both teams, Moten and Mance did not play well defensively for the Soul, in my opinion, and on field action was rather tame.  But being down there in those seats made it one of the best games I have ever attended. 

Thanks to the Soul for such a great promotion and giving to average fans the best seats in the house. 

I was thinking about the one time I traveled and got stranded in the Atlanta airport.  It was a great time if you can believe it.  We made the best of a terrible situation.

I had a flight from Miami to a connection to Atlanta.  I had made the connection in plenty of time but due to thunderstorms rolling up the East Coast, we were delayed.  The gate lady for the airline kept announcing that the flight was delayed and finally after 2 hours sitting at the gate waiting for boarding to begin I met a few people that were also from Philly and getting pissed at all the delays. 

Finally, the pilot came off the plane and I overheard him talking to the gate lady that according to radar, the storms are moving slowly and we are stuck for at least another hour. 

The gate keeper then announced that it was going to be at least an hour before the plane would board and that if we wanted to get something to eat we could but don’t stray far.  So this girl I was talking to and I went to the Wendy’s just 3 gates down and ate some lunch.  When we returned - 45 minutes later - the plane had boarded and taken off.  Without us. 

Needless to say, the girl and I were pissed.  We were not the only ones either.  There were about 5 others that did the same thing as us and went to get a meal.  Then the gate lady stated that we should not have left the gate area.  The group of us of course went nuts.  After much protest, the airline was able to get us all on the next flight - 8 hours later. 

So what was one to do?

The seven of us decided that since we had until 10PM until our next flight, we would make the best of it and we decided to play a game and have at least one drink in every bar in every terminal in the Atlanta airport. 

By the time it was boarding time the seven of us were blasted.  Looking back I am surprised that they even let any of us on.  By this point we were drunk, obnoxious and boisterous. 

The two hour flight home was uneventful but when we arrived in Philly we decided that we should go out some more and hit a few bars around town.  I met a few great people, unfortunately, after that night we never kept in contact with each other.