Idle Ramblings of a Slightly Mad Man

I have a new hobby.  It is something that I do when I travel that always amuses me.  To many, it will seem odd and dumb but I laugh everytime I do it. 

When I stay in hotels, I will set the alarm clock at 3 AM on the morning I check out so that the very next morning the alarm will go off, hopefully on an unsuspecting newcomer to the room.   

I laugh every time I do this.  I know, I know.  Very childish right?  But I get great enjoyment thinking about the next person that sleeps in that room and suddenly gets the sudden jolt to their deep sleep as the alarm goes off.

Or better yet, the room remains empty but there are people in the next room that has to hear it go off all night long. 

I don’t know why but it really cracks me up.

Yep, still here. 

So yesterday a few co-workers and I strolled through the city.  We started out walking through the neighborhood of Chelsea.  My co-worker J was curious about all of the blind people walking around with their canes and was inquisitive enough to ask the waitress in the diner we ate in “Are there really a lot of blind people here?”  To which I quickly countered, “This in New York, they are not really blind people, they are just creating the next new wave of style and chic.”

The waitress laughed and walked away leaving J without her answer.  When we left the diner, I had noticed that after we turned the corner, across the street was a Blind Center.  I pointed it out to J who, being very skeptical of anything I tell her (long story but she does have a good reason), asked how did I know that was the blind center.  I pointed out that it was the only building without windows so it had to be for the blind because what do they need windows for?  They can’t see anything.  I then pointed to the small sign that stated it was a blind center.

From Chelsea we walked down through the Village and Soho.  I love walking through the city on a nice day.  Everyone comes out and makes for great people watching. 

In New York, you will find people wearing the most…………………………….um…………………………….. interesting clothing.  They range from the very colorful to the barely there to the very bold.  Everyone was out and about yesterday.  I was thoroughly entertained and enjoyed the leisurely stroll.

I had a Corporate meeting out in Queens last night so a group and I made our way out there.  Since I had a car I was the driver for a lot of my fellow co-workers.  My job was to welcome some of the others and there was not a better way to greet everyone then to head to the bar and start a tab on someone else’s account.  That’s right!  I started a bar tab for 30 people on my boss’s boss tab.  We all were very social by the time dinner rolled around. 

After the meet and greet we headed to the conference room for dinner.  After working all week in NYC and having to work through the weekend, I felt the need to drink.  And drink I did.  I was not the only one that was interested in having a good time. 

After dinner and the meeting there was about a dozen of us that wandered back to the bar and what was on the TV but the Philadelphia Flyers beating the Montreal Canadians.  And how does any proud Philadelphian celebrate the Flyers  winning the series?  Yep!  Celebratory  beers.   A lot of beers. 

Our group dwindled down to about 4 by the time last call was called.  Not realizing that it was so late I tried to excuse myself so I could go to bed.  You see, I had to drive out to the Hamptons by 10 AM this morning.  That only left me to about 5 hours of sleep and 5 hours to sober up before starting work.  Needless to say, I felt like crap all day today and all I want to do is go to bed. 

So now that I have given another Rambling update, I can head to bed.

G’night all. 

I have, I think, a very unique viewpoint on life. 

I am not a glass half full type of guy, or a glass half empty.  I look at that cup and wonder who the *&#@ left it there and why didn’t they throw it away!

My mind has often led to trouble arguments fights between my wife and I.  She has a hard time grasping how my mind works.  The same went for how I got along with my parents.  I just have downright different takes on things.  This works great for me though when I am problem solving or trying to be creative for work.  Day to day life though, it is entertaining.  To me anyway.

I am finding that this trait is making it’s way into the personality of my 8 year old daughter.  Just this morning, as she was being let off to school, I noticed that she didn’t have her bookbag.  I yelled at her to come back and get it out of the car and she very noncholantely told me she forgot it.  She then added that at least she won’t forget to bring it home this weekend.  (she has left her bag at school over the weekend in the past a few times)

One day, there was a neighborhood cat (she is a huge cat lover), that was hit by a car and still laying dead in the street, and she paused for a moment and then said that at least the big black birds will have some breakfast.

When my wife’s grandmother died a few weeks back, my daughters reaction was - I guess we won’t be haveing anymore chicken & dumplings.  (G-mum made the best!)

I can’t help it.  Her comments make me laugh because they are funny and they sound so much like things I say.  My wife thinks that she is rude, insensitive, uncaring and unconcerned about things but I know better.  I know that is just how her mind works.  It works like mine. 

I have reported to you all before about Search Terms used to find this silly old blog of mine.  And it has been a while since I have reported on the things people type to find my blog and I always have fun reading others writings about terms that brought them hits.  I am still amazed how many people find my blog through animal testing searches.  People are still finding those three posts to be very popular and interesting reads.  Who knew?

Anywho…..  I thought I would just report on some of the more odd, funny, interesting search terms used to find Idle Ramblings.

Gum Wall Tea - I am a tea lover.  I drink over a gallon of the stuff a day, both hot and Iced.  I don’t think that this is one flavor I would really want to try.  But to each their own.

Women Rubbing Pricks - If you find a few that won’t charge me I would like to know.  My hands are getting tired.

The Clerk Will Ring The Bell - If the clerk is going to ring it for me than what do we need the bell for?  I only ring the bell to get the clerk to come to the sales counter. 

Do Cats Fart - I do not have any first hand knowledge of this but I would assume that they do.  Doesn’t all animals fart?

Get Mad At Everything In The Kitchen - Someone has some anger issues.  How can you get mad at everything?  What can the spoon possibly do to get you that mad at it?  I can understand being pissed at a blender or the George Forman Grill but c’mon - don’t let that ruin a good Quesedilla maker!

Explain Lazy - whenever I get to it

Rubbing Nipples Together - whose?  Mine?  Not possible. 

Find Me Something Interesting - Then come and report it back here so we can all know

Smoking A Joint Before Walking In An Air- I wish WordPress did not cut the rest of it off.  I am very curious as to how this one ended.  Was it an air port?  air plane?  air conditioner?  Or maybe the person smoked a joint before typing this in and he stoned out right after the word air.

Odd Looking Things In My Bowel Movements - Is this like looking up into the clouds and seeing odd looking things in clouds?  What could you possibly be seeing other then corn, lettuce and long brown log shapes?

I Want To Read Something Interesting - Did you find what you were looking for?

My Daughters Undies Remind Me Of Her Mothers - I think professional help is needed for you

People That Don’t Replace The Toilet Paper - What?  Have dirty fingers!?!?!

We were talking about some famous music groups from Philly, over the weekend, and my brother in law mentions “Hall and Oats”. 

My sister in law Donna then proceeds to tell us that she never got that group.  I asked her why? 

She asked “What does Hall and Oats have to do with a city like Philly” 

“What do you mean?  It is their names?”  I say

“I know it is their name but what does Hall and Oats have to do with Philly?  There are no farms around.  What does HAULING OATS do with a city.  No one hauls oats around here.  It should be hauling trash or something.”

I think I bruised my hip as I fell off my chair and hit the floor in laughter.

It snowed here, finally, the other night and we went over to Donna’s - my sister-in-law - so that all the kids could go sledding. 

While they were out sledding she started to make some hot chocolate for all the kids and poured them small cups.  When the kids all came in and stripped out of their outerwear they came and took some sips and then ran to the basement to play.

After a few minutes Donna called down to the kids, “You better get up here and drink this hot chocolate I made!  If it gets any cooler it will be cold!”

I’m just thankful that the laws of thermodynamics work in her house too.

I have not been able to shake this damn cough of mine.  It is now like two months and I have totally given up on my doctors.  I have had steroids, antibiotics and medicines that should be leaving me fit as a fiddle (How fit is a fiddle anyway?) and yet I still cough like my mother, who has been smoking for 40 years. 

Yesterday, I wrapped up my class and had just finished packing up and threw my laptop bag over my shoulder as one of my students walked up to me to talk and catch up on old times.  He is someone I have known over the years and used to work with in a past life.  He is one of those close talkers, you know what I am talking about, no respect for your personal space, the type that will stand toe to toe with you and likes to get right up against you to the point that if him and I were women and we had breasts our nipples would be rubbing against each other.  As it were, our nipples were almost rubbing against each other.

I am not ever one to back away from these types of people because I know it is what they like, making people feel uncomfortable in the conversation and in their presence, or at least this guy does.  Oh, and I forgot to mention that this guy is like 6′ 7″ and towers over my little 5′ 9″ frame. 

After talking all day, I can feel the cough wanting to come out, to be unleashed like the tiger it is.  I have been fighting it, controlling it and doing a damn good job of it.  As we stand there toe to toe, nearly rubbing nipples (ok, my nipples don’t reach his.  The reality is that my nipples would be rubbing his belly button and that is an image that even I don’t want stuck in  my head) a sudden and uncontrollable cough overtakes me. 

Being the gentleman that I am, and with the gracious manners my mother has taught me I covered my mouth, but not before this mucus launched out of my mouth like dragster out of the starting gate.  The guy politely waited until I was done coughing and then resumed his story without realizing what had happened.  There I stood, gazing at my phlegm, eye level to me and leaving me to wonder what to do next.  He didn’t see it.  He had no clue what I did.  If I say nothing, what is the big deal?  Who would know?

He paused in his story and stood looking at me like he was waiting for me to respond.  I had no clue as to what he was saying or even asking.  I wasn’t paying attention.  I was worried about the huge lugger on his chest.  What did he say?  What should I say?  Damn!  Now I am feeling uncomfortable for sure and it is not because he is standing over me and staring down at me.

I take a step back and away from him and I reach over to the table beside me and pull a tissue out of the tissue box and hand it to him.  “Here, I think you might need this,” I say as I walk past him. 

He stood there dumbfounded as I left the room. 

I am sure in a few months, when we cross paths again he will have a comment or two to say about what happened yesterday but that will give me time to come up with some sort of witty response.   

Over the Holidays we were all out at a fairly nice restaurant and the waitress came over and asked us if we wanted to start with any cocktails.  Starting with my sister-in-law Donna, she looked at the waitress and straight faced said “Yes, I’ll start with the shrimp cocktail.”

I thought that we were going to be asked to leave the restaurant for the total laugh riot we were having.  We did not concern ourselves with the other patrons staring at us.  In fact we could not see them through the tears streaming down our faces. 

I love this girl.

Her daughter wanted one of those mini reading lights that attach to a book so that she can read at night.  She was telling us that she looked all over the place and could not find it.  She went to Target, Walmart, Riteaid, CVS, Walgreens, everywhere.  My wife asked if she tried Borders or Barnes & Nobels to which Donna replied, “Why would I go there?”

 Without this woman I would have so little material.

Merry Christmas everyone.

When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would not write about anything that happens in my bedroom but sometimes things happen that are just too damn good to pass up and I just have to post about this one incident.

I was away all last week for work.  My work took me to NYC for a few classes that I had to facilitate.  Needless to say that when I arrived home Friday night, my wife and I were anxious to get the kids to bed.  Thankfully, we were successful in having the kids asleep by 9 PM and headed to our own bedroom. 

Just a few seconds after the Grand Finale the house phone rings, which is on the wife’s nightstand, and it is her boss.  Her boss never calls at home, especially at ten o’clock at night.   She takes the call and heads to the bathroom.  I follow her down the hall when suddenly I hear my 4 year old son open his door and come out into the hallway.  Quickly, I grab a bath towel out of the hallway closet and wrap it around my waist.  The phone woke him up and he was curious as to what everyone was doing. 

After pushing him back into his room and assuring him that everything was fine and telling him to go back to bed I entered the bathroom where my wife was to make sure everything was fine and it all appeared that the new from her boss was good news.

I headed back to our bedroom only to find my son on our bed, which we did not clean up, holding my wife’s “friend”.  He was holding it and swinging it like a lightsabre.  He said “look what I found” and proceeded to make the noise from Star Wars that the lightsabres make when he accidentally and inadvertently twisted the devise on.  The vibrations caused him to drop it while making him laugh at the same time.  I quickly picked it up and tried to get a hold of him to carry him back to his room.

It was during this time, during his getaway from me that he crawled across the bed and put his hand into the remnants of the evening.  He quickly stopped and told me “someone peed the bed Dad!”  He then sniffed his hand and then pressed his nose down to the spot and sniffed.  “It don’t smell like pee!”  At this point I am barely able to keep myself from laughing.  He holds his wet hand up to his face and gets ready to lick it and taste what it is.  I jump across the bed and grab his hand right before he can lick the palm of his hand. 

By now my wife has come back in the room, finally off the phone, and takes one look at the scene playing out and tells the boy that the cat got sick and that he needs to go to his room and close the door so that the cat does not puke all over his bed too.  Her quick thinking satisfies his curious mind and as he gets down off the bed my wife wipes his hand off and walks him to the bathroom to wash his hands.  Crisis adverted.

After he settled and we cleaned up everything we laid in bed laughing about how crazy, embarrassing, and funny the whole situation was. 

The next morning I overheard my son telling my daughter to be gentle with the cat because she got sick all over mommy and daddy’s bed last night.