Don’t Mess With The Bull Son! You’ll Get The Horns!

When I am not traveling for work I am working in my office in the suburbs of Philly.  Where I work, because of my travel, I was never really part of the “group”.  But lately that has been changing.  I have been starting to be drug into the pranks and practical jokes that the others have been involved in.

The pranks are somewhat tame, for example, buying instant lottery tickets that claim you won huge sums of cash, jumping out of closets to scare someone, locking someone in the bathroom with bungee cords, etc….

But when you mess with me I will take it to the next level. 

They have now messed with me.  Yesterday they covered my car, which I park on the lot and close to the main road, with for sale signs and my phone number.  Not a bad prank but now it is my turn.

I have had tons of time to plot and plan on my pranks back before they even messed with me.  Yesterday I put plan one into play.  The main person involved with the for sale prank came out to find her car also covered in for sale signs and wrapped up in shrink wrap.  Lots of shrink wrap.  A whole roll of shrink wrap.

For those that don’t know what shrink wrap is, it is like large industrial sized clear plastic wrap.  We use it to wrap up pallets of merchandise to be shipped on trucks so that it does not shift on the pallet during shipping.

Other employees and a few customers saw the wrapped car and found it very funny but the real laughter began when she went out to the parking lot and found her car completely wrapped up and encapsulated in the shrink wrap.  Even she laughed.

Going through my head was that ditty that goes “What ever you can do I can do better!!!!”

You betchya @$$ I can!

As I was leaving work she says – It’s on now!

I certainly hope so.

What ever you can do I can do better!

Guess Who I Saw Today

I have been in a really weird mood lately.  I don’t know why.  I just feel goofy, I feel like doing goofy things, and just being all around goofy.

Yesterday, after work, I stopped by my sister’s house (the same one I spoke about in the last post and called to wish a happy belated birthday) and needed to take her to pick her car up at the shop.  While we were driving I pointed to a guy standing on the side of the road like he was waiting for a bus and I said to her, “See that guy over there?”

Her:  Yeah!?

Me: So do I.

The car gets really quiet and after a moment she asks:  What was that about?

Me:  (laughs)

So then we pull up to the repair shop and before she gets out I say to her, “Guess who I saw today!”

Her:  I don’t know, who?

Me:  Lots of people! (laughs my ass off)

Her:  You’re a dork! (slams the car door as she gets out)

I laughed all the way home. 

I know.  It’s stupid, it’s childish and idiotic but what can I tell you, I am just in one of those moods.  It is certainly no way for a 30ish guy to act.  But that was 3 times yesterday that I got my sister with something stupid.

Happy Belated Birthday!

One of the stupid, mindless, random acts of foolishnessthat will from time to time pop into my head just occured.  I called my sister and wished her a belated Happy Birthday.

Her birthday was a month ago and I did call her on her birthday but I thought it would be funny to hear her reaction when I called at 8 AM while she was half asleep and wish her a belated happy birthday.

ME: Good Morning!

Her:  Good Morning!

ME:  How is your day going?

Her:  Good.  What do you need?

ME:  Nothing.  I just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday.

Her: What?

ME:  I just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday.

Her:  What?  You told me happy birthday already.

ME:  Yeah, but that was last month.  I wanted to give you a belated happy birthday.

Her:  You’re an idiot!  (hangs up the phone)

I had to laugh at how funny that was.  So now I am inspired to go out and wish a few others a belated happy birthday.  I think I’ll call my mom, my mother-in-law, definitely have to call my sister-in-law Donna, she really won’t know what to say.  So many calls, so little time.

Donnaism Returns

I know it has been a while since I have given you, my 6 regular readers, any Donnaisms.  Unfortunately, it has been a while since I’ve really hung out with her.

This weekend I did have that chance to spend some time with her. 

She was telling us how it was time to renew her vehicle registration for the state and how she was confused on how to fill out the paperwork.

I asked what was so confusing and she responded that she did not know what to write for the odometer numbers.  I said that she writes what it says on the odometer and I even explained where it was located on her dashboard. 

“I know that”, she responded, “I just don’t know what number to write down because it keeps changing.”

Folks, I can’t make this stuff up.

That Was A Good One Wasn’t It?

I am terrible when it comes to laughing at inappropriate times.  If there is something funny said or done when it is not the right place or time I will almost always laugh. 

This usually gets me into some trouble, especially my wife, who hates that I will embarrass her or, in the case of the children, encourage them to continue their funny ways.

The latest occurance is one involving my soon to be 5 year old son.  My wife and I were strolling through the local farmers market and were browsing in the furniture store where they make all the hand crafted wood tables and shelves and such and in there they also have many of the rustic or country decorations. 

My wife and I were very involved in looking in this store as we are looking for some new pieces to go with the newly painted rooms.  We were having a discussion when out of the handcrafted gazebo inside the store jumps out my son. 

He lands in a karate stance and yells “Look I am Michelangelo!”

He begins to swing wildly two hand crafted candles, the kind that have the wicks attached that you hang from a wall, like they are nunchucks. 

For all those that don’t get the Michelangelo reference, that is the name of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

My wife was mortified. 

I laughed. 

She scowled at me and yelled at him.  She yanked the candles from his hands and hung them back up in the gazebo and stormed out of the store all embarrassed leaving him and I standing there.

I took his hand to leave and find my wife when he looks up at me and says “That was a good one, wasn’t it?”

Yes Buddy, it was!

Whatever You Do, Don’t Look At Her Forehead

My cousin had this girl that he was dating for a while before he ever introduced her to the family.  He was very secretive about her for the longest time. 

A few years ago, I had won 4 tickets for a New Years Eve bash thrown by a local radio station to a hot new night club.  I invited my cousin and his secretive girlfriend to join my wife and I and they accepted.  This would be the first time that my wife and the girlfriend would meet. 

That night, on the ride up to meet them, I told my wife that the girlfriend had a huge dark brown birthmark on her forehead right at her hair line and that she was really self conscious about it and whatever you do, don’t look at it.

I know that by telling her not to look it would only increase the desire, the urge, to try to sneak a look at her forehead.

I love to torture my wife or anyone else that I can.  Even at the expense of others. 

All night long I could see my wife trying hard to not look but yet try to sneak a peek when she could.  Being that my wife is a short little thing and my cousin’s girlfriend was taller than she is, my wife struggled to see her hair line.

Long story short, the evening was entertaining.  Finally, well into the night when my wife went to the ladies room, my cousin’s girlfriend asked if there was something wrong with herself because my wife kept looking strangely at her all evening.  I couldn’t help but laugh at her question.  I quickly filled her in on my prank.

My wife returned and shortly after that my cousin’s girlfriend told her that there was nothing wrong with her forehead and I was pulling a joke on her.  My wife, very unhappy and embarassed, made a small scene about how mean, rude and unfunny I was. 

Needless to say, I didn’t get to ring in the New Year with a bang.

 

Silly Search Terms – Revisited – Again

It is that time to post a few of the amusing and funny search terms that have drawn traffic to my site or, as I affectionately refer to as “I can’t think of anything to write about so I will go to the old trusted standby of the funny and amusing search terms to find this silly little blog”. 

So without further ado……

Good Things That Have To Do With Animal – I so hope that this had nothing to do with kinky wild sex with donkeys, goats or any other animal.  I want them tested on, not molested on.

Can Dead Animals Be Used For Animal Test – If we test some new cancer treatment or antibiotic on the dead creature and it kills them, how will we ever know?

My Son’s Butthole Itches – So scratch it!

My Wife Peed In The Car. How Do I Get Th- Th what?!?!?  This is a story I am interested in hearing about.

Blogs of a Mad Man About Animal Testing – Oh Shit!  Now I am in for it.  PETA is on to me now.  

Then a few weeks later this search term crops up -

Markalan.wordpress Animal Product Testing- This is for real.  Someone actually used this exact search term.  I am now convinced that some animal rights group is on to me.  Pretty soon I am going to have Pam Anderson or Alicia Silverstone on my door step looking for me.    Hmmm…..  on second thought, that might not be a bad thing.  Spank me baby!  I’ve been a bad boy!  I’ve talked bad about animals.  Punish me as only you know how ladies!!!!

Kara Alien Abduction – I am not the only one they are looking for.  Kara is being searched out too.  I am not sure what I would rather, have PETA looking for me or Aliens. 

I Missed My Flight – And now that you have free time, you decided to read some blogs.  I’m touched.

 Lick My Lettuce – Um…..  Is this like a new sex slang?  Like a Roman Helmet or Dirty Sanchez?

Wanking+My+Son – There is so much wrong with this one.  I want it out!

Where Backflips And Front Flips Originate – I can tell you for a fact that it was not here at Idle Ramblings.  I can’t do them anymore.  The fat gods and age have caught up to me. 

 

How do you see it?

I have, I think, a very unique viewpoint on life. 

I am not a glass half full type of guy, or a glass half empty.  I look at that cup and wonder who the *&#@ left it there and why didn’t they throw it away!

My mind has often led to trouble arguments fights between my wife and I.  She has a hard time grasping how my mind works.  The same went for how I got along with my parents.  I just have downright different takes on things.  This works great for me though when I am problem solving or trying to be creative for work.  Day to day life though, it is entertaining.  To me anyway.

I am finding that this trait is making it’s way into the personality of my 8 year old daughter.  Just this morning, as she was being let off to school, I noticed that she didn’t have her bookbag.  I yelled at her to come back and get it out of the car and she very noncholantely told me she forgot it.  She then added that at least she won’t forget to bring it home this weekend.  (she has left her bag at school over the weekend in the past a few times)

One day, there was a neighborhood cat (she is a huge cat lover), that was hit by a car and still laying dead in the street, and she paused for a moment and then said that at least the big black birds will have some breakfast.

When my wife’s grandmother died a few weeks back, my daughters reaction was – I guess we won’t be haveing anymore chicken & dumplings.  (G-mum made the best!)

I can’t help it.  Her comments make me laugh because they are funny and they sound so much like things I say.  My wife thinks that she is rude, insensitive, uncaring and unconcerned about things but I know better.  I know that is just how her mind works.  It works like mine. 

Silly Search Terms – Revisited

I have reported to you all before about Search Terms used to find this silly old blog of mine.  And it has been a while since I have reported on the things people type to find my blog and I always have fun reading others writings about terms that brought them hits.  I am still amazed how many people find my blog through animal testing searches.  People are still finding those three posts to be very popular and interesting reads.  Who knew?

Anywho…..  I thought I would just report on some of the more odd, funny, interesting search terms used to find Idle Ramblings.

Gum Wall Tea – I am a tea lover.  I drink over a gallon of the stuff a day, both hot and Iced.  I don’t think that this is one flavor I would really want to try.  But to each their own.

Women Rubbing Pricks – If you find a few that won’t charge me I would like to know.  My hands are getting tired.

The Clerk Will Ring The Bell – If the clerk is going to ring it for me than what do we need the bell for?  I only ring the bell to get the clerk to come to the sales counter. 

Do Cats Fart – I do not have any first hand knowledge of this but I would assume that they do.  Doesn’t all animals fart?

Get Mad At Everything In The Kitchen – Someone has some anger issues.  How can you get mad at everything?  What can the spoon possibly do to get you that mad at it?  I can understand being pissed at a blender or the George Forman Grill but c’mon – don’t let that ruin a good Quesedilla maker!

Explain Lazy – whenever I get to it

Rubbing Nipples Together – whose?  Mine?  Not possible. 

Find Me Something Interesting – Then come and report it back here so we can all know

Smoking A Joint Before Walking In An Air- I wish WordPress did not cut the rest of it off.  I am very curious as to how this one ended.  Was it an air port?  air plane?  air conditioner?  Or maybe the person smoked a joint before typing this in and he stoned out right after the word air.

Odd Looking Things In My Bowel Movements – Is this like looking up into the clouds and seeing odd looking things in clouds?  What could you possibly be seeing other then corn, lettuce and long brown log shapes?

I Want To Read Something Interesting – Did you find what you were looking for?

My Daughters Undies Remind Me Of Her Mothers – I think professional help is needed for you

People That Don’t Replace The Toilet Paper – What?  Have dirty fingers!?!?!

Not Really A Donnaism But….

Her daughter wanted one of those mini reading lights that attach to a book so that she can read at night.  She was telling us that she looked all over the place and could not find it.  She went to Target, Walmart, Riteaid, CVS, Walgreens, everywhere.  My wife asked if she tried Borders or Barnes & Nobels to which Donna replied, “Why would I go there?”

 Without this woman I would have so little material.

Merry Christmas everyone.