Idle Ramblings of a Slightly Mad Man

I have, I think, a very unique viewpoint on life. 

I am not a glass half full type of guy, or a glass half empty.  I look at that cup and wonder who the *&#@ left it there and why didn’t they throw it away!

My mind has often led to trouble arguments fights between my wife and I.  She has a hard time grasping how my mind works.  The same went for how I got along with my parents.  I just have downright different takes on things.  This works great for me though when I am problem solving or trying to be creative for work.  Day to day life though, it is entertaining.  To me anyway.

I am finding that this trait is making it’s way into the personality of my 8 year old daughter.  Just this morning, as she was being let off to school, I noticed that she didn’t have her bookbag.  I yelled at her to come back and get it out of the car and she very noncholantely told me she forgot it.  She then added that at least she won’t forget to bring it home this weekend.  (she has left her bag at school over the weekend in the past a few times)

One day, there was a neighborhood cat (she is a huge cat lover), that was hit by a car and still laying dead in the street, and she paused for a moment and then said that at least the big black birds will have some breakfast.

When my wife’s grandmother died a few weeks back, my daughters reaction was - I guess we won’t be haveing anymore chicken & dumplings.  (G-mum made the best!)

I can’t help it.  Her comments make me laugh because they are funny and they sound so much like things I say.  My wife thinks that she is rude, insensitive, uncaring and unconcerned about things but I know better.  I know that is just how her mind works.  It works like mine. 

I have reported to you all before about Search Terms used to find this silly old blog of mine.  And it has been a while since I have reported on the things people type to find my blog and I always have fun reading others writings about terms that brought them hits.  I am still amazed how many people find my blog through animal testing searches.  People are still finding those three posts to be very popular and interesting reads.  Who knew?

Anywho…..  I thought I would just report on some of the more odd, funny, interesting search terms used to find Idle Ramblings.

Gum Wall Tea - I am a tea lover.  I drink over a gallon of the stuff a day, both hot and Iced.  I don’t think that this is one flavor I would really want to try.  But to each their own.

Women Rubbing Pricks - If you find a few that won’t charge me I would like to know.  My hands are getting tired.

The Clerk Will Ring The Bell - If the clerk is going to ring it for me than what do we need the bell for?  I only ring the bell to get the clerk to come to the sales counter. 

Do Cats Fart - I do not have any first hand knowledge of this but I would assume that they do.  Doesn’t all animals fart?

Get Mad At Everything In The Kitchen - Someone has some anger issues.  How can you get mad at everything?  What can the spoon possibly do to get you that mad at it?  I can understand being pissed at a blender or the George Forman Grill but c’mon - don’t let that ruin a good Quesedilla maker!

Explain Lazy - whenever I get to it

Rubbing Nipples Together - whose?  Mine?  Not possible. 

Find Me Something Interesting - Then come and report it back here so we can all know

Smoking A Joint Before Walking In An Air- I wish WordPress did not cut the rest of it off.  I am very curious as to how this one ended.  Was it an air port?  air plane?  air conditioner?  Or maybe the person smoked a joint before typing this in and he stoned out right after the word air.

Odd Looking Things In My Bowel Movements - Is this like looking up into the clouds and seeing odd looking things in clouds?  What could you possibly be seeing other then corn, lettuce and long brown log shapes?

I Want To Read Something Interesting - Did you find what you were looking for?

My Daughters Undies Remind Me Of Her Mothers - I think professional help is needed for you

People That Don’t Replace The Toilet Paper - What?  Have dirty fingers!?!?!

Her daughter wanted one of those mini reading lights that attach to a book so that she can read at night.  She was telling us that she looked all over the place and could not find it.  She went to Target, Walmart, Riteaid, CVS, Walgreens, everywhere.  My wife asked if she tried Borders or Barnes & Nobels to which Donna replied, “Why would I go there?”

 Without this woman I would have so little material.

Merry Christmas everyone.

When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would not write about anything that happens in my bedroom but sometimes things happen that are just too damn good to pass up and I just have to post about this one incident.

I was away all last week for work.  My work took me to NYC for a few classes that I had to facilitate.  Needless to say that when I arrived home Friday night, my wife and I were anxious to get the kids to bed.  Thankfully, we were successful in having the kids asleep by 9 PM and headed to our own bedroom. 

Just a few seconds after the Grand Finale the house phone rings, which is on the wife’s nightstand, and it is her boss.  Her boss never calls at home, especially at ten o’clock at night.   She takes the call and heads to the bathroom.  I follow her down the hall when suddenly I hear my 4 year old son open his door and come out into the hallway.  Quickly, I grab a bath towel out of the hallway closet and wrap it around my waist.  The phone woke him up and he was curious as to what everyone was doing. 

After pushing him back into his room and assuring him that everything was fine and telling him to go back to bed I entered the bathroom where my wife was to make sure everything was fine and it all appeared that the new from her boss was good news.

I headed back to our bedroom only to find my son on our bed, which we did not clean up, holding my wife’s “friend”.  He was holding it and swinging it like a lightsabre.  He said “look what I found” and proceeded to make the noise from Star Wars that the lightsabres make when he accidentally and inadvertently twisted the devise on.  The vibrations caused him to drop it while making him laugh at the same time.  I quickly picked it up and tried to get a hold of him to carry him back to his room.

It was during this time, during his getaway from me that he crawled across the bed and put his hand into the remnants of the evening.  He quickly stopped and told me “someone peed the bed Dad!”  He then sniffed his hand and then pressed his nose down to the spot and sniffed.  “It don’t smell like pee!”  At this point I am barely able to keep myself from laughing.  He holds his wet hand up to his face and gets ready to lick it and taste what it is.  I jump across the bed and grab his hand right before he can lick the palm of his hand. 

By now my wife has come back in the room, finally off the phone, and takes one look at the scene playing out and tells the boy that the cat got sick and that he needs to go to his room and close the door so that the cat does not puke all over his bed too.  Her quick thinking satisfies his curious mind and as he gets down off the bed my wife wipes his hand off and walks him to the bathroom to wash his hands.  Crisis adverted.

After he settled and we cleaned up everything we laid in bed laughing about how crazy, embarrassing, and funny the whole situation was. 

The next morning I overheard my son telling my daughter to be gentle with the cat because she got sick all over mommy and daddy’s bed last night.

It has been a while since I wrote about my sister-in-law and her unintentional but comical mangling of thought and language.  I refer to this as Donnaisms.  

The latest occurred today while talking to her.  I am on the west coast and she is on the east coast.  There is a time difference between the two coasts but I did not realize that she did not know how much.  During our conversation she asked me what time it was and I responded that it was three o’clock to which she asked me -  morning or afternoon?

After my sudden burst of laughter in her ear she asked me if that was a silly question.  Of course I told her yes and explained that there was only 3 hours difference not 12. 

You gotta love her.   

I wrote earlier in the month about my thoughts on Animal Testing and was happy enough to leave it alone after that but then I received a comment from a reader that disagreed with my position.  I knew it was going to happen.  Not everyone agrees with me and I am man enough to accept that.  But she did get me to thinking.  I was thinking that maybe there is a way to test products, ideas and military applications without using animals.  Then the animals of the world would be spared.

There is a large population of society that can be tested on.  An untapped wealth of subjects that could be used that would benefit all of mankind.  These are parts of society that we have no use for.  I am talking of the criminals, the sick and dying and the homeless.  Before everyone gets all upset let me explain.

The criminals are overcrowding prisons.  They are serving sentences such as life and living the high life, watching cable, working out, getting college degrees, having random shower sex daily, etc…  Instead of all that wonderful life they are living they can be testing cosmetics or testing new medicines.  We can use then in military applications too.  We can let a few loose to search out landmines or run them down the street to find snipers on the rooftops. 

The sick and dying are taking up valuable hospital beds that could/should be used for those that will get better and contribute to society.  What we should be doing is using these folks to test new medicines, new cancer cures, new radiation treatment, new types of medical testing, new artificial limbs procedures or skin grafting techniques. 

The homeless, well they can be used for all of the above. 

If my ideas were to be put into place we could clean up the city streets of the homeless, we could reduce prison populations and thereby saving millions of dollars spent on housing those serving life imprisonment.  We would advance mankind years ahead of time because we would eliminate years of animal testing.  Mankind could be propelled into a new era of enlightenment.  Many of the worlds problems and issues could be/would be solved. 

We are on the doorstep of a new Renaissance.  Let us embrace our destiny! 

*for anyone that was offended by this writing know that this was all in jest

I can’t help it.  It is becoming a real obsession.  Now I have another TP issue to discuss.  Long time readers know this has been an ongoing obsession and compulsion with me and new readers can catch up by reading the posts Again with the Toilet Paper, Back to the Bathroom and Toilet Paper Usage and see that this craziness goes way back for me. 

I am sitting and watching my favorite show Heroes and the commercial comes on for Charmin Ultra.  It is now extra absorbent.  It holds 4 times more moisture than the leading brand therefore you use less TP.  I don’t know about everyone else but I am not using my TP like a Bounty towel.  I am not cleaning up spills or washing windows with my TP.  I am wiping my ass.  I don’t need it to be thick and absorbent, I need it to be a quicker wiper upper.  Not to get too gross but my bowel movements are not wet runny messes.  If yours is, then maybe this TP is for you and you should see a doctor.  Mine, they tend to be somewhat on the firm side where the need for absorbency is not an issue. 

I don’t understand why one would need to buy toilet paper that is super absorbent and only gets about 12 squares to a roll.  I would think that is a waste.  Give me the 1000 sheet stuff that I can wad up and wipe with without the worry that I have to change the roll after every visit to the bathroom. 

Maybe it is a guy thing.  Maybe women need the extra absorbency.  I can’t understand why.  There are a lot of things about women I don’t understand but that is a post or 7 for another day.   What I do know is that this TP obsession of mine out of control. 

Now that I have that off my chest, where is my newspaper?  I have to drop the Browns off at the Superbowl. 

I have hit 100 Posts on this blog experiment.  I have gone through my last 99 posts and it was interesting to read through this journey, this experiment of mine.  When I first started I was not sure what I would write about and how this would blog would progress.  Interestingly enough, material seems to present itself in most cases.

In my 100 posts I have found some interesting friends/readers. 

I went back and found that I wrote some pretty funny things.  I crack myself up.  I guess that I am easy to amuse.  I hope you all have found some enjoyment from this little blog.  What a long strange trip it has been.

Here is to looking forward to the next 100 posts. 

This is a true story that really happened and it is funny as hell.

 On my way home from work one night I stopped at a local Chinese restaurant to order some takeout.  I gave my order to the older Chinese woman behind the counter and gave her my name and then I sat in the seats by the door waiting for my order to be prepared.  While waiting a Black woman and her friends came in to place their order.  They had placed their order with the same older Chinese woman.  The Chinese woman asked the Black woman her name.  Here is the actual exchange….

Chinese woman (CW) - Name?

Black Woman (BW) - ShaynaQuay

CW - What?

BW - ShaynaQuay

CW - Oh no!  That be too hard.  You be Carol now.

The CW walked away with her order back to the kitchen leaving the BW stunned and speechless.  Her three friends started laughing to the point where they were crying.  I have to admit that I did too.  We laughed and laughed at what had just transpired and people sitting in the restaurant eating were all looking at us wondering what was just so damn funny. 

I think that if the BW didn’t have her friends with her it would have been an ugly scene.  I laughed and cried the whole way home and all through dinner.  Every time I go to a Chinese restaurant now I always remember this story.

Oh no!  That be too hard.  You be Carol now!

Daddy mole, Momma mole and Baby mole were all going up the mole hole when Daddy mole stops suddenly.  What are Mommy mole and Baby mole doing?  Sniffing molasses