Idle Ramblings of a Slightly Mad Man

I have a new hobby.  It is something that I do when I travel that always amuses me.  To many, it will seem odd and dumb but I laugh everytime I do it. 

When I stay in hotels, I will set the alarm clock at 3 AM on the morning I check out so that the very next morning the alarm will go off, hopefully on an unsuspecting newcomer to the room.   

I laugh every time I do this.  I know, I know.  Very childish right?  But I get great enjoyment thinking about the next person that sleeps in that room and suddenly gets the sudden jolt to their deep sleep as the alarm goes off.

Or better yet, the room remains empty but there are people in the next room that has to hear it go off all night long. 

I don’t know why but it really cracks me up.

The scene is a Supermarket, the non foods aisle.  Specifically, Aisle 2 - hairspray, shampoo, hair dyes, hair clips, hair ties hair nets and brushes and combs.  Everything one might need for hair it’s there. 

My wife and I are in that aisle, and as we casually walk the aisle, my wife and I are conversing about nothing.  Literally nothing.  I whimsically make a comment that I can’t believe that Aquanet still exists and I tell her the same old story about when I was in High School, had the long rocker hair that would be teased up like I was member of some 80’s hairband and how my friends and I in the band would douse our hair with Aquanet and rock out.  If only Liquid Life took off and rocked the world.

She is only half paying attention to me as I am pushing the cart and she is walking in front of it scanning the price tags for the sale prices and checking if we have coupons to match.  This is the hell my life has become.

We stop at the end of the aisle, in front of the hair clips, hair ties, fake hanging hair attached to clips, brushes and combs and the following conversation occurs totally out of the blue.

Wife:  You need a new brush!

Me:  I need a new brush?

Wife:  Yes.

Me:  Why?

Wife:  Yours is out dated.

Me:  It’s what?!?!

Wife:  It’s out dated.

Me:  It’s out dated.

Wife:  Yes.  You’ve had it since high school probably.

Me:  Ok.  Let’s assume that you are correct for a moment and that I have had that brush since high school.  How can a brush be out dated?

Wife:  Have you seen your brush?

Me:  Ummm…. yes.  And it looks just like that one (pointing to a similar one on the shelf).  It fully serves its function without fail.  It brushes my hair.  It’s functional and operational.   I did not realize that brushes have expiration dates.  I did not know that they go out of style.  I did not know that my brush was a fashion statement.  I didn’t know that I was no longer hip because I have held onto a brush longer than I have held onto my Members Only jacket.  You should be thankful that I no longer carry my comb in my back pocket.  Carrying combs in the back pocket - that is out dated.  My brush, I’m thinking not so much.

Wife:  Now you’re just being an idiot.

Me:  Me?!?!

Wife:  Never mind.  Keep using that old stupid brush of yours. 

Me:  Ummm….  I was planning on it.

Wife:  Good!

Me:  Good.  Besides, it wasn’t on sale and we didn’t have a coupon for it.

It was a beautiful and sunny day outside today.  I was cutting the grass for the first time and all the neighbors were out working in their yards. 

While taking a break, one of my neighbors called over to me and within a few moments my neighbor and I were into a discussion about another neighbors new SUV.  See, the guy I was talking to is a big “green” guy.  He is into driving a Prius, uses Compact Fluorescent Lights throughout his house, composts, recycles, etc… 

In the middle of our conversation and his bashing of this other neighbor buying a big gas wasting, heavily polluting SUV he pulls out a cigerette and lights up.  I found the moment very funny and ironic and I made the faux pas of speaking before thinking and said that new SUV buyer was just as bad for the environment as a smoker.  It was kinda like the pot calling the kettle black.

With that, I got the look, and he and his lit cigarette walked away.  

Teeni over at the Vaguetarian Tea Room suggested the following post for a Best Of.  I had totally forgotten about this one and I am glad Teeni reminded me that this one existed. 

On this day, I was able to observe American ingenuity at its finest. 

I have, I think, a very unique viewpoint on life. 

I am not a glass half full type of guy, or a glass half empty.  I look at that cup and wonder who the *&#@ left it there and why didn’t they throw it away!

My mind has often led to trouble arguments fights between my wife and I.  She has a hard time grasping how my mind works.  The same went for how I got along with my parents.  I just have downright different takes on things.  This works great for me though when I am problem solving or trying to be creative for work.  Day to day life though, it is entertaining.  To me anyway.

I am finding that this trait is making it’s way into the personality of my 8 year old daughter.  Just this morning, as she was being let off to school, I noticed that she didn’t have her bookbag.  I yelled at her to come back and get it out of the car and she very noncholantely told me she forgot it.  She then added that at least she won’t forget to bring it home this weekend.  (she has left her bag at school over the weekend in the past a few times)

One day, there was a neighborhood cat (she is a huge cat lover), that was hit by a car and still laying dead in the street, and she paused for a moment and then said that at least the big black birds will have some breakfast.

When my wife’s grandmother died a few weeks back, my daughters reaction was - I guess we won’t be haveing anymore chicken & dumplings.  (G-mum made the best!)

I can’t help it.  Her comments make me laugh because they are funny and they sound so much like things I say.  My wife thinks that she is rude, insensitive, uncaring and unconcerned about things but I know better.  I know that is just how her mind works.  It works like mine. 

I have reported to you all before about Search Terms used to find this silly old blog of mine.  And it has been a while since I have reported on the things people type to find my blog and I always have fun reading others writings about terms that brought them hits.  I am still amazed how many people find my blog through animal testing searches.  People are still finding those three posts to be very popular and interesting reads.  Who knew?

Anywho…..  I thought I would just report on some of the more odd, funny, interesting search terms used to find Idle Ramblings.

Gum Wall Tea - I am a tea lover.  I drink over a gallon of the stuff a day, both hot and Iced.  I don’t think that this is one flavor I would really want to try.  But to each their own.

Women Rubbing Pricks - If you find a few that won’t charge me I would like to know.  My hands are getting tired.

The Clerk Will Ring The Bell - If the clerk is going to ring it for me than what do we need the bell for?  I only ring the bell to get the clerk to come to the sales counter. 

Do Cats Fart - I do not have any first hand knowledge of this but I would assume that they do.  Doesn’t all animals fart?

Get Mad At Everything In The Kitchen - Someone has some anger issues.  How can you get mad at everything?  What can the spoon possibly do to get you that mad at it?  I can understand being pissed at a blender or the George Forman Grill but c’mon - don’t let that ruin a good Quesedilla maker!

Explain Lazy - whenever I get to it

Rubbing Nipples Together - whose?  Mine?  Not possible. 

Find Me Something Interesting - Then come and report it back here so we can all know

Smoking A Joint Before Walking In An Air- I wish WordPress did not cut the rest of it off.  I am very curious as to how this one ended.  Was it an air port?  air plane?  air conditioner?  Or maybe the person smoked a joint before typing this in and he stoned out right after the word air.

Odd Looking Things In My Bowel Movements - Is this like looking up into the clouds and seeing odd looking things in clouds?  What could you possibly be seeing other then corn, lettuce and long brown log shapes?

I Want To Read Something Interesting - Did you find what you were looking for?

My Daughters Undies Remind Me Of Her Mothers - I think professional help is needed for you

People That Don’t Replace The Toilet Paper - What?  Have dirty fingers!?!?!

We were talking about some famous music groups from Philly, over the weekend, and my brother in law mentions “Hall and Oats”. 

My sister in law Donna then proceeds to tell us that she never got that group.  I asked her why? 

She asked “What does Hall and Oats have to do with a city like Philly” 

“What do you mean?  It is their names?”  I say

“I know it is their name but what does Hall and Oats have to do with Philly?  There are no farms around.  What does HAULING OATS do with a city.  No one hauls oats around here.  It should be hauling trash or something.”

I think I bruised my hip as I fell off my chair and hit the floor in laughter.

It snowed here, finally, the other night and we went over to Donna’s - my sister-in-law - so that all the kids could go sledding. 

While they were out sledding she started to make some hot chocolate for all the kids and poured them small cups.  When the kids all came in and stripped out of their outerwear they came and took some sips and then ran to the basement to play.

After a few minutes Donna called down to the kids, “You better get up here and drink this hot chocolate I made!  If it gets any cooler it will be cold!”

I’m just thankful that the laws of thermodynamics work in her house too.

Over the Holidays we were all out at a fairly nice restaurant and the waitress came over and asked us if we wanted to start with any cocktails.  Starting with my sister-in-law Donna, she looked at the waitress and straight faced said “Yes, I’ll start with the shrimp cocktail.”

I thought that we were going to be asked to leave the restaurant for the total laugh riot we were having.  We did not concern ourselves with the other patrons staring at us.  In fact we could not see them through the tears streaming down our faces. 

I love this girl.

Her daughter wanted one of those mini reading lights that attach to a book so that she can read at night.  She was telling us that she looked all over the place and could not find it.  She went to Target, Walmart, Riteaid, CVS, Walgreens, everywhere.  My wife asked if she tried Borders or Barnes & Nobels to which Donna replied, “Why would I go there?”

 Without this woman I would have so little material.

Merry Christmas everyone.