How many different colors of white are there?

You are all familiar (and when I say all I mean the 3 regular readers I have now) with the Donnaisms I post from time to time and if you are not, check out the tab at the top of the page and read through a few.  I feel that I am now going to have to begin a whole new page just for the silly things my mother-in-law says to me. 

Maybe I’ll call it MILisms. 

Below is her latest MILism.

I was out with my wife doing some Christmas shopping in the mall and she called me and asked me if I was at Sears.  In the mall I was in there was a Sears but I was on the opposite end of the mall and I told her that I could stop there for her if she needed me to. 

She politely told me that it was not necessary for me to run all the way down there and thanked me anyway.  She then told me that she was worried that I might pick up the wrong color. 

I asked her what color she needed.  She told me white.

I burst out laughing hard in the middle of Boscov’s. 

I can’t make this stuff up.

Not Quite A Donnaism

The apple does not fall far from the tree. 

I have posted about Donnaisms and even created a whole page for them which you can find at the top of this blog.  But the one I am about to post is from my mother-in-law, the mother of my sister-in-law and my wife.

We are all sitting around my MIL’s house and their family friend had installed a new pellet stove in his basement in hopes that it would heat the rest of the house.

The friend said that it is not having the impact that he had hoped and he has tried everything.  He adjusted settings and turned this knob and that knob and still nothing.

My MIL looks at him and says “Maybe it only heats down” 

As if this was not funny enough and having us roll on the floor laughing, without missing a beat, the friend coolly replies “Just my luck.  I get the only one that only heats down”

None of us had a dry eye from laughing.  My sides hurt.  And as I write this I am still holding back laughter as I try to keep from disturbing my coworkers.

When You Gotta Go

The Scene – Friendly’s restaurant (I know, not great food but we needed something quick and cheap) with the family.  We are seated in our booth.  The booth behind me was empty, the booth to my left has an older couple, the booth behind my wife had a family of 4 seated. 

We’ve just begun to sit down and eat our meals.  When suddenly, out of the blue, my boy stands up in the booth, grabs his crotch and loudly proclaims, “I gotta go before i piss myself!”

The older couple to my left, well, the old lady nearly chokes on her coffee.  The family of 4, the parents, I could see were shocked but the 2 boys were giggling.

My wife was turning red and feeling embarrassed.  My daughter was giggling.

Me?  I grab the boy and take him to the bathroom before he pisses himself.

The kid kills me.

Can You Pass The Damn Mashed Potatoes?

I manscaped today.  Yep!  I am looking pretty well manscaped today.

I’m just kidding.  Really, I am sure that none of you have any desire to hear about the shaving of any parts of my body. 

When I started this blog one of the things I swore not to do was to get too personal with my readers.  I was not going to bring you into my pants nor into my bedroom, although I did do that once with my son finding the “lightsaber” in our bed.  But that was a story too good to pass up.

With all that has been going on, or not going on, in my life it is almost like I am out of things to write about that don’t expose me.  I like being anonymous.  I am not knocking anyone that opens up to their readers but that is just not me. 

So for me to come on here and talk about my tic tac dick or bald as a baby man area or my conquest of women all over the country when I travel, well, it is just not going to happen.  That’s just not me. 

I might open up more about my kids, more specifically, my son.  He is a pisser.  The kid just makes me laugh my ass off and has been talking some real jems lately.  For example, out of the blue, we are at the dining room table eating dinner as a family when he turns to my daughter and asks, “Can you pass the damn mashed potatoes?”

My humorless wife gave him that burning stare.  You know, the one that mothers have when they are trying to use their Superman-like heat vision to incinerate you where you stand, or in this case sit.  But he did not burn into a crisp. 

I did laugh and could not hold back.  And the boy said it with a straight face and was completely serious. 

Now I am not a huge swearer.  I try very hard not to curse in frontof the kids.  But I do slip.  So does the wife.  But for him to pick that up and use it correctly and in the right context……………… well, that is a proud poppa moment right there.

So as I get back into the habit of writing this silly little blog I think that I will keep true to myself and my goal of not getting too personal but at the same time provide you with the world as I see it.

She’s A Thinker! And A Stinker

I was driving in the car with my family on Sunday morning and Elvis was on the radio. 

For the record, my wife hates any music that was not released before 1980 so to even have Elvis playing was a torture for her and one that I relished in giving.  There is a local oldies station that plays Elvis on Sunday mornings that I will sometimes tune into just because I know the wife hates it. 

We, my wife and I, also agreed to a rule back when we were dating called Drivers Rule.  The rule is that the driver gets to pick the music because the last thing you need is a distracted driver because of bad music playing.

Sunday morning I wanted to listen to Elvis.  This lead to a discussion with my 9 year old daughter about who Elvis was and how he impacted music.  I told her that in the old days, dancing on stage to music was not allowed and Elvis liked to dance, to sway his hips and gyrate to the music as he played and sang his hits.  Basically, he broke the rules to change the rules.

As soon as I said that I knew that with my daughter it was the wrong thing to say. 

My daughter said nothing for the longest time.  I could tell she was thinking and processing what I just said.  I was hoping, that maybe she didn’t get what I had said and it didn’t impact her like I thought it would. 

I was wrong.

“So, if I chew gum at school all the time when we are not supposed to I might be able to get the rules changed so that we can chew gum?” 

Driving Rules or not, I think I just lost my chances to listen to Elvis on Sunday Mornings.

CNN Runs The World

I would suggest that you start here with this post before you read today’s post.   It is very important that you see where this starts.

I was over my sister-in law’s again picking up my daughter and I am no sooner in the house when she starts on me.

Her:  You never told me that Georgia was our Georgia

Me: What?

Her: The other day when we were talking about Georgia.  You didn’t tell me there were two Georgias. 

Me:  I knew what Georgia I was talking about.  What one were you talking about?

Her:  You had me thinging that Russia was invading our Georgia.  And that is why I was all confused. 

Me:  I didn’t have you thinking any such thing.  You had that preconceived notion already in your head.

Her:  I had a what?

Me:  You already had the idea in your head that Russia attacked the American Georgia.

Her:  Why would Russia attack our Georgia?

Me:  Maybe because CNN has its headquarters in Atlanta

Her:  Why would Russia want CNN?

Me:  Wolf Blitzer

Her:  Who?

Me:  Wolf.  He’s that anchor for CNN and he has a really cool name.  Sounds tough.  Like no one should %$@! with him.  But seriously, if Russia controlled CNN they would control the world.

Her:  How does CNN give you control of the world?

Me:  Everyone watched CNN for the news.  They are the world leader in news. Russia wants to be a world leader.  They need CNN.

Her:  Can’t they make their own CNN?

Me:  No one would watch it. 

Her:  Why not?

Me:  Ummm….. because it is all in Russian.

Her:  Oh (laughs)

Me:  The Russians are not going to invade us, they don’t want our Georgia and they don’t want our CNN.  Especially while Larry King is with CNN.

Her:  What is wrong with Larry King?

Me:  Everything.  Like what is he a King of?

Her:  It’s his name.  He is not king of anything.

Me:  Are you sure?

Her:  (thinks for a few seconds) I am pretty sure.

Me:  So tell me something about Larry King

Her:  (thinks for a moment)  I don’t know.

Me:  No one does.  Neither does Russia.  That is why we won’t have to worry about Russia attacking us as long as Larry King is on CNN. 

Her:  But what about the other Georgia

Me:  What about it?

Her:  Are we going to do anything about it? 

Me:  Probably not.

Her:  Why?

Me:  Because most people are like you.  They think that our Georgia was invaded and when they found out that their beloved peaches were safe they lacked any caring or compassion.  As long as people can get to Disney World they are content to let Russia do their thing.

Her:  What would you do?

Me:  Me?  I’m going to start to learn Russian.

Her:  Why? 

Me:  Because Larry King is only going to live a few more years and then Russia will be coming for CNN.

Her:  Seriously?

Me:  Nyet

You’re Cut Off From Disney World!

Russia invaded Georgia. 

That lead to a very interesting conversation with my sister in law Donna.  Below is how it transpired and yes I was trying to mess with her throughout the conversation.  And I would not really consider this a true Donnaism either.

Donna:  Russia is attacking Georgia.  Do you think we will go to war with Russia.

Me:  No.  It is not our conflict.  It is between Georgia and Russia.

Donna:  But we should be defending Georgia.

Me:  Why?  They have their own army.

Donna:  They do?  Since when?

Me:  Since they won their Independence.

Donna:  They did?  When was that?

Me:  A few years ago they broke away and declared their independence.

Donna: Why did we let them do that?

Me:  It was good for us.  Why would we stop something that would be good for us?

Donna:  How is that good for us?  And why is Russia attacking it?

Me:  Russia wants its oil and the access to the seas.

Donna:  Doesn’t Russia have access to its own seas?

Me:  Yes but they also want Georgia’s too.

Donna:  (sits quietly for a few moments thinking and then says) If Russia wins, will we have to now go around Georgia to get to Disney?

Me:  That’s taking the long way to get to Disney.  Why not just go right down the 95?

Donna: Doesn’t the 95 go through Georgia?

Me:  If Russia wins, we are going to move the 95 to go over Georgia.

Donna:  What???

Me:  What?

Donna:  What are you talking about?

Me:  What are you talking about?  People are dying in a war and you are worried about Micky Mouse and Donald Duck.  How pitiful is that?  It’s not all about you you know!

Donna:  (gets up and walks away)

Are You A Christian?

Occasionally I will be asked if I am a Christian and on those occasions I will give my standard answer that I was raised in the church, I am pretty knowledgeable in the Bible and I believe that there is a good story buried in there somewhere but organized religion has ruined it all. 

This usually where a pretty healthy debate and discussion begins between myself and the person asking.  My wife usually will, at this point, walk away from my side and mingle with others because she knows this is a topic that I can usually frustrate even the most devout of believers. 

But this is not a blog about Christianity and religion.  No this is about my vacation in Chincoteague and frolicking in the waves on the beach of Assateague.  For it was there that I was asked about my beliefs.

The setting is the beach of Assateague.  It is early afternoon and families line the shoreline catching the rays of the sun, playing in the sand, splashing among the waves of the ocean or body surfing and boogie boarding.  The weather was nice and hot and the cool breeze off the water made it comfortable.  I was out in the water waist deep with my 2 nieces and daughter enjoying the waves crashing over us.

As I am standing there a little boy swims over to us and asks me if I would keep an eye on him “in case a wave knocks me over and pull me out to sea.”  I’m not kidding.  He really said that. 

Me, being the helpful person I am and being a parent myself I am always mindful of keeping an eye out for children in the waters.  Even if they are not mine.  That is just the type of guy I am. 

I looked around and didn’t see where this kid’s parents were on the beach.  No one seemed to be looking over him.  Again, not a big deal. 

So one of my nieces asked what his name was and he told us he was Jonathan.  My other niece asked his age and he told us 8.

Then Jonathan looks to me and says, “Ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead”

Jonathan: “No.  I asked if you were a Christian.”

At this point, I am thinking what kind of question is this coming from an eight year old.  What does he care at this point?  He has already put his trust, his faith, in me to save him should a wave whisk him off to sea. 

Jonathan:  “Because I don’t want to be in here with no sinners.”

At this point, I am hoping that a big massive wave hits the kid and tosses his ass onto the beach.  I was going to tell him that I was an agnostic and let him figure that one out for the rest of the day.  I wanted to tell him that the majority of people on this beach were sinner because they all piss in the ocean instead of walking to the bath house and to get over it.

My nieces just laughed at Jonathan.  

I took a few dives into some waves and turned to look and found our local bible thumper working his way north along the beach.  Maybe he thought I got swept out to sea because of my sinnerish ways.  Who knows? 

I did look to the heavens and thanked God for giving me one more story to blog about.

Guess Who I Saw Today

I have been in a really weird mood lately.  I don’t know why.  I just feel goofy, I feel like doing goofy things, and just being all around goofy.

Yesterday, after work, I stopped by my sister’s house (the same one I spoke about in the last post and called to wish a happy belated birthday) and needed to take her to pick her car up at the shop.  While we were driving I pointed to a guy standing on the side of the road like he was waiting for a bus and I said to her, “See that guy over there?”

Her:  Yeah!?

Me: So do I.

The car gets really quiet and after a moment she asks:  What was that about?

Me:  (laughs)

So then we pull up to the repair shop and before she gets out I say to her, “Guess who I saw today!”

Her:  I don’t know, who?

Me:  Lots of people! (laughs my ass off)

Her:  You’re a dork! (slams the car door as she gets out)

I laughed all the way home. 

I know.  It’s stupid, it’s childish and idiotic but what can I tell you, I am just in one of those moods.  It is certainly no way for a 30ish guy to act.  But that was 3 times yesterday that I got my sister with something stupid.

Happy Belated Birthday!

One of the stupid, mindless, random acts of foolishnessthat will from time to time pop into my head just occured.  I called my sister and wished her a belated Happy Birthday.

Her birthday was a month ago and I did call her on her birthday but I thought it would be funny to hear her reaction when I called at 8 AM while she was half asleep and wish her a belated happy birthday.

ME: Good Morning!

Her:  Good Morning!

ME:  How is your day going?

Her:  Good.  What do you need?

ME:  Nothing.  I just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday.

Her: What?

ME:  I just wanted to wish you a belated happy birthday.

Her:  What?  You told me happy birthday already.

ME:  Yeah, but that was last month.  I wanted to give you a belated happy birthday.

Her:  You’re an idiot!  (hangs up the phone)

I had to laugh at how funny that was.  So now I am inspired to go out and wish a few others a belated happy birthday.  I think I’ll call my mom, my mother-in-law, definitely have to call my sister-in-law Donna, she really won’t know what to say.  So many calls, so little time.