How many different colors of white are there?

You are all familiar (and when I say all I mean the 3 regular readers I have now) with the Donnaisms I post from time to time and if you are not, check out the tab at the top of the page and read through a few.  I feel that I am now going to have to begin a whole new page just for the silly things my mother-in-law says to me. 

Maybe I’ll call it MILisms. 

Below is her latest MILism.

I was out with my wife doing some Christmas shopping in the mall and she called me and asked me if I was at Sears.  In the mall I was in there was a Sears but I was on the opposite end of the mall and I told her that I could stop there for her if she needed me to. 

She politely told me that it was not necessary for me to run all the way down there and thanked me anyway.  She then told me that she was worried that I might pick up the wrong color. 

I asked her what color she needed.  She told me white.

I burst out laughing hard in the middle of Boscov’s. 

I can’t make this stuff up.

Not Quite A Donnaism

The apple does not fall far from the tree. 

I have posted about Donnaisms and even created a whole page for them which you can find at the top of this blog.  But the one I am about to post is from my mother-in-law, the mother of my sister-in-law and my wife.

We are all sitting around my MIL’s house and their family friend had installed a new pellet stove in his basement in hopes that it would heat the rest of the house.

The friend said that it is not having the impact that he had hoped and he has tried everything.  He adjusted settings and turned this knob and that knob and still nothing.

My MIL looks at him and says “Maybe it only heats down” 

As if this was not funny enough and having us roll on the floor laughing, without missing a beat, the friend coolly replies “Just my luck.  I get the only one that only heats down”

None of us had a dry eye from laughing.  My sides hurt.  And as I write this I am still holding back laughter as I try to keep from disturbing my coworkers.

Things I Can Do Without Seeing

There are just some things a person should never have to see in their life.  And I am not talking about the really bad things like watching your house burn down, or you dad die in front of you or walking in on your parents having sex type of bad. 

What I am talking about is a little less bad.

I was walking through the mall this weekend trying to get some Christmas shopping done and I was walking past Victoria’s Secret and me being the guy that I am, I took a look into the store at the hot and sexy stuff in there being sold and what does my wandering eye spy????  My aunt.

My aunt was in there.  And she was not just walking and casually browsing either.  She was holding up a pair of panties like she was inspecting them for purchase.   Some sort of high cut blue things with some sort of design on them.

EEEwwwwww!!!!!

I hightailed it past there as quick as I could and wanted to find a sharp object to gouge out my eyeballs.  I wanted to hit my head so hard that I would suffer amnesia.  I wanted the image of my 50 something year old aunt looking at Victoria Secrets panties out of my head.

There are things I don’t need to see.  There are things I don’t want to know about people in my family.  Things I just don’t want in my head.  GET IT OUT!!!!

As I am walking  through another section of the mall she saw me and came up to me.  I could see in her hands was the Victoria Secret bag.  The whole time she was talking to me all I could think about was her panties.  I didn’t want to.  But I was. 

With time, I should be able to get past this trauma.  I should heal.  I hope.

All I Want For Christmas Is More Bratz Dolls

I hate seeing my little girl so upset and sad.  Seeing her eyes well up with tears and then glide sadly down her cheeks just kills me.  It’s heartbreaking.

What upset her so much?

She had over heard me and my wife talking last night about a story in the news yesterday about how a federal judge ruled that her beloved toy, The Bratz Doll, is to be pulled from store shelves after Christmas and that stores would no longer be allowed to sell the doll.  See Story Here.

My daughter is the type of child that can entertain herself for hours.  Give her paper and crayons, give her paints and a canvas or give her dolls and she will entertain herself for hours. 

The only toys she plays with the most is Bratz.  Why does she prefer them over Barbies?  I have no idea.  And she was not going to answer that question for me last night in the condition she was in.

I probably should have done a better job with making sure she was in bed and asleep before I had the conversation with my wife but the cat is out of the bag and that horse has left the stable.

All this ruling does is hurt the children.  I can understand  Mattel doing what they have to do to protect the Barbie and filing the suit to begin with but can’t there be monetary compensation instead of taking away a child’s beloved toy?

This is just another sign of a greedy adult ruining another childhood for a child.

As I was putting my daughter to bed, she looked up at me with her red puffy eyes and told me that all she wants for Christmas is more Bratz dolls.  She doesn’t want them to go away.

Merry #%$&ing Christmas

When You Gotta Go

The Scene – Friendly’s restaurant (I know, not great food but we needed something quick and cheap) with the family.  We are seated in our booth.  The booth behind me was empty, the booth to my left has an older couple, the booth behind my wife had a family of 4 seated. 

We’ve just begun to sit down and eat our meals.  When suddenly, out of the blue, my boy stands up in the booth, grabs his crotch and loudly proclaims, “I gotta go before i piss myself!”

The older couple to my left, well, the old lady nearly chokes on her coffee.  The family of 4, the parents, I could see were shocked but the 2 boys were giggling.

My wife was turning red and feeling embarrassed.  My daughter was giggling.

Me?  I grab the boy and take him to the bathroom before he pisses himself.

The kid kills me.

Hats Off!

I remember, while I was growing up, getting a lot of life’s lessons from my parents and grandparents.  They made it known that it was the small but important stuff that matters greatly in the world.  And now I am in a stage where I am trying to instill the same things into my kids and I am beginning to wonder if they even matter or relevant any more.

It was always drilled into me that I should hold the door open for people.  Whether I am coming or going, hold the door for the person behind you or in front of you.  With the automatic doors that are in place at most public places today does this even matter?  Or is it because of these doors is this why so many people have forgotten this small but important rule of manners?

In the waiting rooms, or on buses, or just waiting in general and a sick, elderly or pregnant person comes in I was always instructed to get up and offer my seat to them.  Today, it seems like we live in a first come first serve world.  Rare is it that I see anyone offer their seat.  Often times I see families sitting in seats and someone that clearly needs to sit enters and no one gets up, the parents don’t instruct the kids to get up, nothing.

Hats!  When did hats become acceptable to wear indoors?  I was always told that hats came off when you enter a building.  Now I see them being worn all the time.  In malls, in movie theaters, in restaurants.  In Restaurants!  At The Table!!!!!  My dad or grandfather would knock my hat off my body, with my head still in it, if I sat at the table to eat with my hat on.  They would knock my head and hat off my body and throw it across the room and into the trash can!  They would never let me near the table to begin with.

Now it seems that all these simple forms of ediqutte are no longer practiced.  It makes it hard as a parent to raise kids to mind these rules when no one else practices.  But, damnit, I am going to anyway.  I am going to make sure that these manners don’t die or disappear.  Because it is the little things that affect us all.

Can You Pass The Damn Mashed Potatoes?

I manscaped today.  Yep!  I am looking pretty well manscaped today.

I’m just kidding.  Really, I am sure that none of you have any desire to hear about the shaving of any parts of my body. 

When I started this blog one of the things I swore not to do was to get too personal with my readers.  I was not going to bring you into my pants nor into my bedroom, although I did do that once with my son finding the “lightsaber” in our bed.  But that was a story too good to pass up.

With all that has been going on, or not going on, in my life it is almost like I am out of things to write about that don’t expose me.  I like being anonymous.  I am not knocking anyone that opens up to their readers but that is just not me. 

So for me to come on here and talk about my tic tac dick or bald as a baby man area or my conquest of women all over the country when I travel, well, it is just not going to happen.  That’s just not me. 

I might open up more about my kids, more specifically, my son.  He is a pisser.  The kid just makes me laugh my ass off and has been talking some real jems lately.  For example, out of the blue, we are at the dining room table eating dinner as a family when he turns to my daughter and asks, “Can you pass the damn mashed potatoes?”

My humorless wife gave him that burning stare.  You know, the one that mothers have when they are trying to use their Superman-like heat vision to incinerate you where you stand, or in this case sit.  But he did not burn into a crisp. 

I did laugh and could not hold back.  And the boy said it with a straight face and was completely serious. 

Now I am not a huge swearer.  I try very hard not to curse in frontof the kids.  But I do slip.  So does the wife.  But for him to pick that up and use it correctly and in the right context……………… well, that is a proud poppa moment right there.

So as I get back into the habit of writing this silly little blog I think that I will keep true to myself and my goal of not getting too personal but at the same time provide you with the world as I see it.

CNN Runs The World

I would suggest that you start here with this post before you read today’s post.   It is very important that you see where this starts.

I was over my sister-in law’s again picking up my daughter and I am no sooner in the house when she starts on me.

Her:  You never told me that Georgia was our Georgia

Me: What?

Her: The other day when we were talking about Georgia.  You didn’t tell me there were two Georgias. 

Me:  I knew what Georgia I was talking about.  What one were you talking about?

Her:  You had me thinging that Russia was invading our Georgia.  And that is why I was all confused. 

Me:  I didn’t have you thinking any such thing.  You had that preconceived notion already in your head.

Her:  I had a what?

Me:  You already had the idea in your head that Russia attacked the American Georgia.

Her:  Why would Russia attack our Georgia?

Me:  Maybe because CNN has its headquarters in Atlanta

Her:  Why would Russia want CNN?

Me:  Wolf Blitzer

Her:  Who?

Me:  Wolf.  He’s that anchor for CNN and he has a really cool name.  Sounds tough.  Like no one should %$@! with him.  But seriously, if Russia controlled CNN they would control the world.

Her:  How does CNN give you control of the world?

Me:  Everyone watched CNN for the news.  They are the world leader in news. Russia wants to be a world leader.  They need CNN.

Her:  Can’t they make their own CNN?

Me:  No one would watch it. 

Her:  Why not?

Me:  Ummm….. because it is all in Russian.

Her:  Oh (laughs)

Me:  The Russians are not going to invade us, they don’t want our Georgia and they don’t want our CNN.  Especially while Larry King is with CNN.

Her:  What is wrong with Larry King?

Me:  Everything.  Like what is he a King of?

Her:  It’s his name.  He is not king of anything.

Me:  Are you sure?

Her:  (thinks for a few seconds) I am pretty sure.

Me:  So tell me something about Larry King

Her:  (thinks for a moment)  I don’t know.

Me:  No one does.  Neither does Russia.  That is why we won’t have to worry about Russia attacking us as long as Larry King is on CNN. 

Her:  But what about the other Georgia

Me:  What about it?

Her:  Are we going to do anything about it? 

Me:  Probably not.

Her:  Why?

Me:  Because most people are like you.  They think that our Georgia was invaded and when they found out that their beloved peaches were safe they lacked any caring or compassion.  As long as people can get to Disney World they are content to let Russia do their thing.

Her:  What would you do?

Me:  Me?  I’m going to start to learn Russian.

Her:  Why? 

Me:  Because Larry King is only going to live a few more years and then Russia will be coming for CNN.

Her:  Seriously?

Me:  Nyet

You’re Cut Off From Disney World!

Russia invaded Georgia. 

That lead to a very interesting conversation with my sister in law Donna.  Below is how it transpired and yes I was trying to mess with her throughout the conversation.  And I would not really consider this a true Donnaism either.

Donna:  Russia is attacking Georgia.  Do you think we will go to war with Russia.

Me:  No.  It is not our conflict.  It is between Georgia and Russia.

Donna:  But we should be defending Georgia.

Me:  Why?  They have their own army.

Donna:  They do?  Since when?

Me:  Since they won their Independence.

Donna:  They did?  When was that?

Me:  A few years ago they broke away and declared their independence.

Donna: Why did we let them do that?

Me:  It was good for us.  Why would we stop something that would be good for us?

Donna:  How is that good for us?  And why is Russia attacking it?

Me:  Russia wants its oil and the access to the seas.

Donna:  Doesn’t Russia have access to its own seas?

Me:  Yes but they also want Georgia’s too.

Donna:  (sits quietly for a few moments thinking and then says) If Russia wins, will we have to now go around Georgia to get to Disney?

Me:  That’s taking the long way to get to Disney.  Why not just go right down the 95?

Donna: Doesn’t the 95 go through Georgia?

Me:  If Russia wins, we are going to move the 95 to go over Georgia.

Donna:  What???

Me:  What?

Donna:  What are you talking about?

Me:  What are you talking about?  People are dying in a war and you are worried about Micky Mouse and Donald Duck.  How pitiful is that?  It’s not all about you you know!

Donna:  (gets up and walks away)

Where To Begin?!?

I am back from my vacation in Chincoteague Virginia and I am trying hard to get back into the swing of things.  I am back at work, checking my emails, checking my forums and looking at the few new projects that I have to begin. 

I am proud of myself for I have not checked my work emails at all while on vacation.  I usually check once or twice on vacation but I resisted the urge to check email.  Do I rock or what?

The weather was excellent, the water of the ocean was a little colder than normal for this time of year but it was tolerable, the kids were behaved, and it was one of the best vacations I have had in a long while. 

Chincoteague has to be my favorite vacation spot.  It is not fancy or built up which is why I like it so much.  Even at it’s busiest, Pony Penning, it is still much more quiet than the Jersey Shore or Ocean City Maryland.  One day I will have a house down there.  One day I will spend more than 2 weeks a year down there.  One day, one day…..

I have a lot of interesting stories to blog about but at this moment I have so much work to get to.  I will post every day this week to relate the interesting and funny events that happened.  From the pony swim to the beach, to my sister in law to actually having a Big Mac.  I will report on it all this week.

In the meantime, I have work and personal emails to catch up on, work to do, forums to catch up on, a kitchen to finish, etc……… 

Sometimes it does not pay to go away!