Idle Ramblings of a Slightly Mad Man

I am finally home from my tour of NYC and Long Island.  It had been an interesting week for me with work.  I had been stationed out in the Hampton’s.  During the day I was working hard and in the evening I was able to explore and enjoy all that the Hampton’s has to offer.  Unfortunately, this time of year, that is not much.  It seems that everything all closes at 7PM.  That is what happens when you go to a resort during the off season.

What I have seen does not really impress me.  It has not been a Weekend At Bernie’s.  Traffic is all jammed up and only moves at a maximum of 30 MPH.  I assume that is only in the middle of the night because during the day there are cars all over the road by none of them are moving faster.

What really surprises me is that for all the money this area is supposed to have, there is no cell phone signal that my cell phone can connect to.  Verizon needs to come to the Hampton’s because no one “can hear me now”!

Where I have been staying is a little Bed and Breakfast and I will be the first to admit that while they are quaint, I feel very uncomfortable.  There is something about staying in someone’s house that just does not allow me to relax and unwind.  I never make my bed at home and yet I find myself obligated to make it at the B&B.  Where normally I might watch HBO late on a Thursday night, I am embarrassed to even put the TV on at all.

Then there is the community shower in the B&B.  I find it odd having to share the shower with other guests.  In my hotel, I like to strip and walk to the shower in my room.  In that bathroom I can lay out my toothpaste, hairbrush, shaving needs, etc…  But in the B&B I am carrying all of my items to the bathroom along with my towels and clothes to change into. 

Maybe it is just me and my oddities. 

I do know that after being away for the past three weeks I was ready to get home.  I had not seen the kids and I had not seen the wife.  I am missing cheese steaks and Philly sports.  Flyers are in the playoffs, The Phillies are leading the East and the Soul is playing their best season and yet with all that good fortune going on, I am missing it all. 

Finally, May is National Masturbation Month and I am stuck in a B&B where I am embarrassed to take a shit because someone else might smell it let alone to rub one out and have someone hear it.  That being said, have a very Happy May!

Find a Penny, pick it up, and all day long, you’ll have good luck!

That’s me.  If there is money lying on the ground I am picking it up but not because I am expecting any additional good luck nor do I care if it is on heads or tails.  I’ll pick it up.  I am not superstitious. 

I have always been that way.  It is not like I am poor and need the money but I will pick it up and place it in my pocket and at the end of the day I have a coin jug that I will put my change in. 

The coin jug is kept in my bedroom but is shared by myself and the kids.  What we do is fill the jug with change or dollars to be converted and used for our big summer vacation. 

Right before vacation we will take the coins to the bank and convert them to dollars to be used how ever we want.  Maybe it is a fancy dinner, maybe it is a special souvenir, maybe for a night at the boardwalk to ride the rides and play some games. 

This year my son has been really keeping his eyes to the ground and he has been finding a lot of change.  When I asked him what he was planning on using his vacation money for he stated that he wanted a Tshirt.  Just hearing that he has plans makes me happy.  He is learning that he needs to save to get something he wants. 

As soon as our vacation is over, the kids and I will start the coin jug up even before we have decided what the next vacation destination will be.  We’ll keep our eyes to the ground picking up the money we find. 

The way I see it, the folks that dropped the money is just helping to pay for our vacation.

Thanks folks, and keep dropping that change!

The scene is a Supermarket, the non foods aisle.  Specifically, Aisle 2 - hairspray, shampoo, hair dyes, hair clips, hair ties hair nets and brushes and combs.  Everything one might need for hair it’s there. 

My wife and I are in that aisle, and as we casually walk the aisle, my wife and I are conversing about nothing.  Literally nothing.  I whimsically make a comment that I can’t believe that Aquanet still exists and I tell her the same old story about when I was in High School, had the long rocker hair that would be teased up like I was member of some 80’s hairband and how my friends and I in the band would douse our hair with Aquanet and rock out.  If only Liquid Life took off and rocked the world.

She is only half paying attention to me as I am pushing the cart and she is walking in front of it scanning the price tags for the sale prices and checking if we have coupons to match.  This is the hell my life has become.

We stop at the end of the aisle, in front of the hair clips, hair ties, fake hanging hair attached to clips, brushes and combs and the following conversation occurs totally out of the blue.

Wife:  You need a new brush!

Me:  I need a new brush?

Wife:  Yes.

Me:  Why?

Wife:  Yours is out dated.

Me:  It’s what?!?!

Wife:  It’s out dated.

Me:  It’s out dated.

Wife:  Yes.  You’ve had it since high school probably.

Me:  Ok.  Let’s assume that you are correct for a moment and that I have had that brush since high school.  How can a brush be out dated?

Wife:  Have you seen your brush?

Me:  Ummm…. yes.  And it looks just like that one (pointing to a similar one on the shelf).  It fully serves its function without fail.  It brushes my hair.  It’s functional and operational.   I did not realize that brushes have expiration dates.  I did not know that they go out of style.  I did not know that my brush was a fashion statement.  I didn’t know that I was no longer hip because I have held onto a brush longer than I have held onto my Members Only jacket.  You should be thankful that I no longer carry my comb in my back pocket.  Carrying combs in the back pocket - that is out dated.  My brush, I’m thinking not so much.

Wife:  Now you’re just being an idiot.

Me:  Me?!?!

Wife:  Never mind.  Keep using that old stupid brush of yours. 

Me:  Ummm….  I was planning on it.

Wife:  Good!

Me:  Good.  Besides, it wasn’t on sale and we didn’t have a coupon for it.

Do you think that our loved ones that have passed on can see us?  Do they really look down upon us from Heaven?

Sometimes I like to think that my father or my grandmother do look down on me and can see me growing up, see my family grow and see how successful I have become.  It is a comforting thought.  I like to think that they can see all the good things that I do.  Do they approve of what I’ve become?  Approve of how I’ve been raising my kids? 

I wonder.

I wonder if they see it all.  All the great moments in our lives, all the sad, all the funny and all the bad. 

All the bad…..  Do they see the bad too?  The fights with my wife?  The time I wrote on some guy’s shoe on the airplane?  The guy I flipped the bird at because he cut in front of me in traffic?  Do they see all that too?

Are our loved ones always up there watching and able to see all?  Do they watch when I am going to the bathroom and wiping my ass?  Are they watching me as I shower?  Are they watching as I make love to my wife? 

Or worse yet?  Is dear, dead Aunt Mabel looking down as I am wanking my pud?

This weekend the family and I went down to Chincoteague Virginia and searched out possible places to rent during the week of Pony Penning.

For those of you that don’t know what Pony Penning is, it is when the Chincoteague Volunteer Fire Department round up the wild ponies on Assateague Island, which is right across the water, and swim them across to Chincoteague where they will auction them off. This is for thinning the herd and for the fire department to raise money.

I have been going to Chincoteague for about 30 years now and I really have not been back for Pony Penning in nearly 10 years. I have been avoiding all the tourists. But now that my own family is coming of age, I want them to experience the event.  It really is something that everyone should experience at least once.

I have to say that I am looking forward to it. Like I said, I have not been there during a swim in years and I want to pass this down to my kids. My parents took us down there almost every year. My aunt and uncle have a place down there and we would all crash there. Then as more and more of us went, their house filled up and we had to find other places to rent.

The island is filled with history and character and there are little quaint shops and there is always something to do.  It is nice going down when there are no events happening on the island.  I know that their main source of income is tourism but there is something spectacular about going down when it is the off season.

One day, I am going to buy a house down there.

I love it. It is my second home.

I can’t wait for July.

I have, I think, a very unique viewpoint on life. 

I am not a glass half full type of guy, or a glass half empty.  I look at that cup and wonder who the *&#@ left it there and why didn’t they throw it away!

My mind has often led to trouble arguments fights between my wife and I.  She has a hard time grasping how my mind works.  The same went for how I got along with my parents.  I just have downright different takes on things.  This works great for me though when I am problem solving or trying to be creative for work.  Day to day life though, it is entertaining.  To me anyway.

I am finding that this trait is making it’s way into the personality of my 8 year old daughter.  Just this morning, as she was being let off to school, I noticed that she didn’t have her bookbag.  I yelled at her to come back and get it out of the car and she very noncholantely told me she forgot it.  She then added that at least she won’t forget to bring it home this weekend.  (she has left her bag at school over the weekend in the past a few times)

One day, there was a neighborhood cat (she is a huge cat lover), that was hit by a car and still laying dead in the street, and she paused for a moment and then said that at least the big black birds will have some breakfast.

When my wife’s grandmother died a few weeks back, my daughters reaction was - I guess we won’t be haveing anymore chicken & dumplings.  (G-mum made the best!)

I can’t help it.  Her comments make me laugh because they are funny and they sound so much like things I say.  My wife thinks that she is rude, insensitive, uncaring and unconcerned about things but I know better.  I know that is just how her mind works.  It works like mine. 

This is one of those mornings where I really wish I had a pre-written post already in the bag and just be done with it. 

I don’t!

It has been a very busy couple of days.  Saturday was the Philadelphia Soul home opener at the Wachovia Center here in Philly versus the Orlando Predators and what a game it was.  The Soul dominated the game.  For those that do not know, the Philadelphia Soul is Philadelphia’s Arena Football League (AFL) team.  The team is also owned by Jon Bon Jovi.  My wife enjoys this very much.  I go to the game and watch the action on the field and she goes and watches JBJ.

After being out late Saturday, we spent the day running around like crazy before coming home to watch the NASCAR race and I cooked an awesome stuffed pork roast!  I do have to say this cooking thing is fun.  Maybe somewhere, in a past life (if I actually believed in such things) I was a gourmet cook. 

Monday, off to work and then the rush home to go to the Bon Jovi concert with the wife and daughter.  This was my daughters first concert and she had about as much fun as an eight year old could.  Daughtry opened for Bon Jovi (yeah, that American Idol guy) and he sounded pretty good but both my daughter and I knew the same amount of songs by him.  Maybe 3.  But he was OK.

Then Bon Jovi came on and of course he rocked.  I was a big fan of Bon Jovi when he first broke onto the scene in ‘83.  My wife loves the group.  My daughter got into it a little more but overall it was probably a little too overwhelming for her.

Needless to say, the three of us are dragging today.  Tired would be an improvement over how we feel.   

We were talking about some famous music groups from Philly, over the weekend, and my brother in law mentions “Hall and Oats”. 

My sister in law Donna then proceeds to tell us that she never got that group.  I asked her why? 

She asked “What does Hall and Oats have to do with a city like Philly” 

“What do you mean?  It is their names?”  I say

“I know it is their name but what does Hall and Oats have to do with Philly?  There are no farms around.  What does HAULING OATS do with a city.  No one hauls oats around here.  It should be hauling trash or something.”

I think I bruised my hip as I fell off my chair and hit the floor in laughter.

It snowed here, finally, the other night and we went over to Donna’s - my sister-in-law - so that all the kids could go sledding. 

While they were out sledding she started to make some hot chocolate for all the kids and poured them small cups.  When the kids all came in and stripped out of their outerwear they came and took some sips and then ran to the basement to play.

After a few minutes Donna called down to the kids, “You better get up here and drink this hot chocolate I made!  If it gets any cooler it will be cold!”

I’m just thankful that the laws of thermodynamics work in her house too.

My alarm clock goes off this morning at 6:15 AM, waking me from a deep slumber, and as I prepare to climb out of bed and head to the shower before work my wife pull me back into the bed and mumbles that it is the weekend and I should come back to bed.

Me, being the tired, exhausted and trusting husband that I am, I listened to her and quickly fell back asleep.

A little later she abruptly wakes me and I starts yelling at me for oversleeping.  I look to the clock and it is now 8:23 AM and it is not the weekend it is a weekday and we’re not only late, we are very late.  With a curse and a leap, I rush to my daughter’s room and wake her for school and then rush to the shower. 

A quick shower and skipping the shave I hurridly dress, throw together lunches and write a late note for my daughter.  I didn’t have time to be creative so I wrote the truth. 

Dear Mrs. *********

Please excuse ********* for being late this morning.  Thought it was the weekend when the alarm went off.  Sorry for the inconvience.

Mr. Idle Ramblings

Short, sweet and to the point.  At this point, my wife rushed out the door, cursing at me for sleeping in. 

I don’t get how this was my fault.  I was just as confused and only did as I was told.