Don’t Mess With The Bull Son! You’ll Get The Horns!

When I am not traveling for work I am working in my office in the suburbs of Philly.  Where I work, because of my travel, I was never really part of the “group”.  But lately that has been changing.  I have been starting to be drug into the pranks and practical jokes that the others have been involved in.

The pranks are somewhat tame, for example, buying instant lottery tickets that claim you won huge sums of cash, jumping out of closets to scare someone, locking someone in the bathroom with bungee cords, etc….

But when you mess with me I will take it to the next level. 

They have now messed with me.  Yesterday they covered my car, which I park on the lot and close to the main road, with for sale signs and my phone number.  Not a bad prank but now it is my turn.

I have had tons of time to plot and plan on my pranks back before they even messed with me.  Yesterday I put plan one into play.  The main person involved with the for sale prank came out to find her car also covered in for sale signs and wrapped up in shrink wrap.  Lots of shrink wrap.  A whole roll of shrink wrap.

For those that don’t know what shrink wrap is, it is like large industrial sized clear plastic wrap.  We use it to wrap up pallets of merchandise to be shipped on trucks so that it does not shift on the pallet during shipping.

Other employees and a few customers saw the wrapped car and found it very funny but the real laughter began when she went out to the parking lot and found her car completely wrapped up and encapsulated in the shrink wrap.  Even she laughed.

Going through my head was that ditty that goes “What ever you can do I can do better!!!!”

You betchya @$$ I can!

As I was leaving work she says – It’s on now!

I certainly hope so.

What ever you can do I can do better!

I Have No Office Cred!

I was going to write about something else this morning but I suddenly got the hiccups. 

And why do you suddenly get hiccups?  Have you noticed that you never gradually work your way into hiccups?  It’s like one moment you are fine and the next you are violently spasming in your chair hiccuping.  You gradually get a cold, you gradually get the flu but BAM!  you suddenly get the hiccups!

 It is rare that I get the hiccups.  I can’t remember when the last time was I got them.  But I know that I can’t get rid of them.  I’ve tried holding my breath, drinking upside down (this brought back some college memories) blowing out all the air in my lungs and drinking water, etc…. 

I even had one fool here at work tell me that I should swallow a bunch of sugar.  Now here at work all we have as far as sugar is the little sugar packets.  Do you know how many of those #(@)ing little packets I would have to be ripping open to make a significant amount of sugar to swallow. 

Not only that but the mess it would be leaving behind.  Like the little fine white powdery residue left across my desk.  People would come walking by and my desk would look like Cocaine central.  Suddenly, I would be getting new text messages “Got some?”  “Need Some?” 

And I’ll start having the weird folks hanging around me more wanting to know if I got a score.  “No I don’t. But I do know the Phillies did lose again to the Dodgers in the 9th.  I didn’t catch the final score.  Sorry” 

“Yeah man, I gotcha”  *wink *wink

Than I spend the rest of the day wondering why old weird Harold keep looking at me funny.  No thanks.  Don’t need that.

So here I suffer, every 4 seconds, making a stupid, childish little sound at work.  Hiccups are not a very manly sound either.  I am not getting any office cred sitting here hiccuping.  I could let out a loud stinky fart in the workplace and have more office cred.  Hiccups in the office – well below hiccups on the office cred list.

So here I sit.  Suffering from Hiccups.  But the best part is that I don’t have to suffer alone.  Hiccups affect those that sit around me too.  So if I suffer, they all suffer.  At least something good came out of this.

I’ve Busted The Conspiracy

I know why I was forced to buy a hew hairbrush.

It has become the community brush.  My wife uses it, my daughter uses it and the boy is using it.

My old one was small and could fit in the medicine cabinet over the sink and the new one that I was forced to buy was large and not suitable to store anywhere but on the side of the sink or on the tank of the toilet.

I knew it was a conspiracy!  I knew that there was something more than just my wife wanting me to “update” my hairbrush.  They don’t go out of style.  It’s a hairbrush!!!!!

There are a few things that skive me.  Things that no matter what – I am just not going to share with anyone!  They include my toothbrush, underwear, bathing suit, and my hair brush! 

So you know what?  I kept my old brush.  That’s right!  I saved it!  Hid it so that others could not find it and when I discovered this nefarious little plot the family had going I pulled it back out.  I pulled it out and used it.  Yeah, so you all can go on with your bad selfs and keep using that new brush and I’ll have mine safely tuckered away. 

Momma didn’t raise no fool!

I suck

I’ll be the first one to admit it.  No one else needs to tell me.  I already know it.

The reason why is because I have been so busy lately.  Work has me going crazy and when I am not traveling for work I am home trying to get things done and spend time with the family. 

The important part is the spending time with family.  I have been trying to get things done around the house, painting, putting in windows doing yard work and gardening in addition to playing with the kids.  My body is extremely sore, I am up early and to bed late so that everyone gets equal time with me. 

Where is my me time?  Well, my wife would argue that I get it when I am traveling for work.  I don’t really call that me time.  I call that work. 

But because of all that is happening to me I have been neglecting this blog not to mention my forums listed to the right.  But let’s focus on the blog for the moment.  I feel that I am letting the readers, all 8 of you, down.  My posting is sporadic, my reading of blogs even less so, and commenting on those other blogs has been non existent.  There are some really great blogs out there that I read but never get a chance to comment on, Red, Teeni, Lemons, just to name a few. 

Also, because I have been busy, I have been so overwhelmed and yet uninspired to write.  There is nothing floating in this empty brain of mine that I even feel would be interesting to others to read.  To me, if it is some sort of drabble that even I wouldn’t read, well, I ain’t gonna write it. 

I’ve even thought of ending this blog, only for the reason that I don’t have the time.  The jury is still out on that but as of now, I’ll continue it.  Who knows, this slump may be over in a few weeks.  Time will tell. 

You all are going to have to bear with me as I go through this rough patch.  Hang in there. 

It’s All About You This Morning

Dear Mister I Am So Important That I Have To Have My Cell Phone On Speaker And I Have To Talk Loudly So That All Of Panara Bread Can Hear Me,

I find it amazing that in today’s world, with the invention of Bluetooth technology and how hip and cool it is to run around town with these little Bluetooth pieces dangling off the ear, you find a need to use the acient and uncool mode of communication in the form of a Nextel phone.  Not only did you yell loud enough for all to hear you side of the conversation but you also had the volume on your phone set so that everyone in Panara could hear the caller as well.

Is your ego that big that you need to show off how important you think you are?  Or are you just a person that craves attention because you have such low self esteem that you need to have other think that you are more important than you really are?

Either way, it didn’t work.  No one was impressed.  No one was aggravated with you.  No one cared. 

Until I came along. 

You see, if I had the luxury of time, I would have done much more to mess with you and your phone call.  You see, pompass asses like you provide me entertainment.  If I had the time I would have sat at the table next to you and been just as rude to you as you were being to the other patrons in Panara.

The only thing I was capable of in the short amount of time that I was there was to walk up towards you table as I was leaving and “accidentally” crash into the table and chairs along side of you and “sneeze” just as I was about to pass you and while I was grabbing a few napkins out of the dispenser behind you I picked up my own phone and pretended loudly to have my own phone conversation.

I could have done much more but as I said before I didn’t have time.

Unfortunately, you were so self absorbed that my actions had very little impact on your own conversation. 

I do hope you are there tomorrow.  I’ll have more time tomorrow. 

In Loving Memory Of…………..

People handle grief in many different ways and people like to remember the dead in their own meaningful ways but what I don’t understand is people that will plaster across the rear windshield of their car a memorial with all the information of that individual which should be placed on the headstone, not rear window of a car. 

Driving into work this morning is a Dodge Magnum with a rear window full of what amounts to an obituary.  It was large writing, contained a picture/image of the deceased, birth and death dates and noting that the deseased was a loving cousin, sister, brother, mother, aunt, uncle, neighbor, homeroom mother, scout leader, gang member, father and animal lover.  

It was almost like it was being shoved down my throat that this person had died and I had better recognize!

I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but when something like this is shoved in my face, and no, I really could not avoid it as this vehicle was in front of me in bumper to bumper traffic, but when this is shoved in my face I guess I have to just vent about it. 

If you want people to read about  and remember the dead, place an obit in the newspaper like everyone else.

When I Missed My Flight

I was thinking about the one time I traveled and got stranded in the Atlanta airport.  It was a great time if you can believe it.  We made the best of a terrible situation.

I had a flight from Miami to a connection to Atlanta.  I had made the connection in plenty of time but due to thunderstorms rolling up the East Coast, we were delayed.  The gate lady for the airline kept announcing that the flight was delayed and finally after 2 hours sitting at the gate waiting for boarding to begin I met a few people that were also from Philly and getting pissed at all the delays. 

Finally, the pilot came off the plane and I overheard him talking to the gate lady that according to radar, the storms are moving slowly and we are stuck for at least another hour. 

The gate keeper then announced that it was going to be at least an hour before the plane would board and that if we wanted to get something to eat we could but don’t stray far.  So this girl I was talking to and I went to the Wendy’s just 3 gates down and ate some lunch.  When we returned – 45 minutes later – the plane had boarded and taken off.  Without us. 

Needless to say, the girl and I were pissed.  We were not the only ones either.  There were about 5 others that did the same thing as us and went to get a meal.  Then the gate lady stated that we should not have left the gate area.  The group of us of course went nuts.  After much protest, the airline was able to get us all on the next flight – 8 hours later. 

So what was one to do?

The seven of us decided that since we had until 10PM until our next flight, we would make the best of it and we decided to play a game and have at least one drink in every bar in every terminal in the Atlanta airport. 

By the time it was boarding time the seven of us were blasted.  Looking back I am surprised that they even let any of us on.  By this point we were drunk, obnoxious and boisterous. 

The two hour flight home was uneventful but when we arrived in Philly we decided that we should go out some more and hit a few bars around town.  I met a few great people, unfortunately, after that night we never kept in contact with each other.   

Couple Songs!

We don’t have a song.  Other couples do, but not us.  You usually hear other couples songs at their weddings.  They go out and dance to it and everyone goes “Awwww…..” while I throw up in my mouth.

Last night we were laying in bed and my wife asked me to sing to her our song.  Now she knows damn well we don’t have a song and she is, for some reason, setting me up for an argument when all I want to do is go to sleep.  It is already mid-night and I have to get up early for work but do I get quiet?  No!  I get, “Sing me our song!”

Long story short, the wife and I were friends for the longest time before we became and item.  We were both in long term relationships when we met and became friends and when they fell apart we decided to move in together and then one day we just looked at each other, like two old folks asking each other for sex, and I said “Do you wanna?”

She said, “Do you wanna?”

I said, “Sure, why not”

So we hopped a flight to Vegas and got married.  No big wedding.  No family.  No reception.  Nothing. 

Since we never really dated, we never really had a song.  Besides, I am not a mushy guy that hears a song and thinks wow!  That reminds me of my woman.  *insert eyes rolling here! 

Which leads me back to last night.  Laying in bed, trying to fall asleep when she nails me with her “sing me our song” request.  It was way out of left field and I certainly was not looking for an argument at that moment, but she clearly was. 

What is the big deal of a couple song? Why is it so important for her to all of a sudden, at midnight, to need to have a couple song?  Why is it that stupid stuff like this keeps getting me into trouble? 

I Was Wrong – Again

This time it is about one of my Compulsions.  When I load the dishwasher I have to have it loaded a certain way.  If it is not, I will take everything all out and then reload it the correct way.  My wife and I have had major arguments over this topic and it has been  really ugly at times. 

My biggest peeve is how the silverware is loaded.  I have to have all the spoons in one section of the silverware basket, all the knifes in another, and all the forks in yet another.  They also have to all be handles down.  This makes it easier to unload too.  Then I can grab a handful of spoons and BAM! they are away.  Grab a fistful of forks and BAM! they are away.  Quick, easy, simple and efficient! 

So last night, my wife approaches me with a huge grin on her face and in her right hand is a rolled up magazine.  I thought that I was about to get hit for something and I get ready to take evasive action when she tosses me the latest Consumers Report. 

She told me to turn to page 41 and read the bottom about loading a Dishwasher.  As I read through it, everything I know about loading is holding true until I get to the last 2 items.   “… mix spoons, forks, and knives to prevent them from sticking together.”  As I get done reading it all I look back up to my wife who starts yelling, “See!  See!  I am not an idiot!  The silverware is supposed to be all mixed up!  You have been complaining and reloading for years for no reason!  Don’t you feel stupid!” 

So I am wrong.  Again.  And I don’t feel stupid about it.  I guess that this is one compulsion that I can scratch off my list and get over.  No more stressing about how the dishwasher is loaded. 

Now about that toilet paper…………………..

Another Look At My Compulsions

I have had time to think about my compulsions lately.  Maybe it is more than thinking, maybe it is more like obsessing over them.  I started a list of the compulsions I have.  As I got to writing these things down I never realized how compulsive I am. 

• When I make a sandwich with lunchmeat and cheese I have to put down the meat on the bread first then cheese.  Cheese never goes first.  But Cheese is always the last.  So this means that on one side the bread, condiment and meat touch and the other side the bread, condiment and cheese touch and yet I have to make the sandwich by laying the meat first.
• When I make peanut butter and jelly, I have to make the sandwich with first the peanut butter and then the jelly.
• When I drop the Browns off at the Superbowl, I have to wipe a minimum of three wipes.  No less no matter how clean the TP looks after the wipe.  (You know you all look too so don’t get all grossed out.)
• When I first enter my hotel room, the first thing I do is to put the shampoo and the conditioner and soap in the shower. 
• When I cut the grass it is always the same pattern and direction. 
• Every Sunday I have to listen to Breakfast with the Beatles.
• In my office at work I have to sit facing the door.  If I am away from my own office and I don’t have my own desk to work at I will find an empty conference room where I can sit at the table facing the door. 
• Dishwasher has to be loaded with cups all in one spot, plates together, spoons in one slot, forks in another, etc…
• When I am in the shower I have to wash my hair first, and then face, then the rest of the body from shoulders to toes. 

 I am sure I have more and just the few I have written so far is enough for all of my regular readers (all 4 of you) to give me hell over.