CNN Runs The World

I would suggest that you start here with this post before you read today’s post.   It is very important that you see where this starts.

I was over my sister-in law’s again picking up my daughter and I am no sooner in the house when she starts on me.

Her:  You never told me that Georgia was our Georgia

Me: What?

Her: The other day when we were talking about Georgia.  You didn’t tell me there were two Georgias. 

Me:  I knew what Georgia I was talking about.  What one were you talking about?

Her:  You had me thinging that Russia was invading our Georgia.  And that is why I was all confused. 

Me:  I didn’t have you thinking any such thing.  You had that preconceived notion already in your head.

Her:  I had a what?

Me:  You already had the idea in your head that Russia attacked the American Georgia.

Her:  Why would Russia attack our Georgia?

Me:  Maybe because CNN has its headquarters in Atlanta

Her:  Why would Russia want CNN?

Me:  Wolf Blitzer

Her:  Who?

Me:  Wolf.  He’s that anchor for CNN and he has a really cool name.  Sounds tough.  Like no one should %$@! with him.  But seriously, if Russia controlled CNN they would control the world.

Her:  How does CNN give you control of the world?

Me:  Everyone watched CNN for the news.  They are the world leader in news. Russia wants to be a world leader.  They need CNN.

Her:  Can’t they make their own CNN?

Me:  No one would watch it. 

Her:  Why not?

Me:  Ummm….. because it is all in Russian.

Her:  Oh (laughs)

Me:  The Russians are not going to invade us, they don’t want our Georgia and they don’t want our CNN.  Especially while Larry King is with CNN.

Her:  What is wrong with Larry King?

Me:  Everything.  Like what is he a King of?

Her:  It’s his name.  He is not king of anything.

Me:  Are you sure?

Her:  (thinks for a few seconds) I am pretty sure.

Me:  So tell me something about Larry King

Her:  (thinks for a moment)  I don’t know.

Me:  No one does.  Neither does Russia.  That is why we won’t have to worry about Russia attacking us as long as Larry King is on CNN. 

Her:  But what about the other Georgia

Me:  What about it?

Her:  Are we going to do anything about it? 

Me:  Probably not.

Her:  Why?

Me:  Because most people are like you.  They think that our Georgia was invaded and when they found out that their beloved peaches were safe they lacked any caring or compassion.  As long as people can get to Disney World they are content to let Russia do their thing.

Her:  What would you do?

Me:  Me?  I’m going to start to learn Russian.

Her:  Why? 

Me:  Because Larry King is only going to live a few more years and then Russia will be coming for CNN.

Her:  Seriously?

Me:  Nyet

Don’t Mess With The Bull Son! You’ll Get The Horns!

When I am not traveling for work I am working in my office in the suburbs of Philly.  Where I work, because of my travel, I was never really part of the “group”.  But lately that has been changing.  I have been starting to be drug into the pranks and practical jokes that the others have been involved in.

The pranks are somewhat tame, for example, buying instant lottery tickets that claim you won huge sums of cash, jumping out of closets to scare someone, locking someone in the bathroom with bungee cords, etc….

But when you mess with me I will take it to the next level. 

They have now messed with me.  Yesterday they covered my car, which I park on the lot and close to the main road, with for sale signs and my phone number.  Not a bad prank but now it is my turn.

I have had tons of time to plot and plan on my pranks back before they even messed with me.  Yesterday I put plan one into play.  The main person involved with the for sale prank came out to find her car also covered in for sale signs and wrapped up in shrink wrap.  Lots of shrink wrap.  A whole roll of shrink wrap.

For those that don’t know what shrink wrap is, it is like large industrial sized clear plastic wrap.  We use it to wrap up pallets of merchandise to be shipped on trucks so that it does not shift on the pallet during shipping.

Other employees and a few customers saw the wrapped car and found it very funny but the real laughter began when she went out to the parking lot and found her car completely wrapped up and encapsulated in the shrink wrap.  Even she laughed.

Going through my head was that ditty that goes “What ever you can do I can do better!!!!”

You betchya @$$ I can!

As I was leaving work she says – It’s on now!

I certainly hope so.

What ever you can do I can do better!

I Have No Office Cred!

I was going to write about something else this morning but I suddenly got the hiccups. 

And why do you suddenly get hiccups?  Have you noticed that you never gradually work your way into hiccups?  It’s like one moment you are fine and the next you are violently spasming in your chair hiccuping.  You gradually get a cold, you gradually get the flu but BAM!  you suddenly get the hiccups!

 It is rare that I get the hiccups.  I can’t remember when the last time was I got them.  But I know that I can’t get rid of them.  I’ve tried holding my breath, drinking upside down (this brought back some college memories) blowing out all the air in my lungs and drinking water, etc…. 

I even had one fool here at work tell me that I should swallow a bunch of sugar.  Now here at work all we have as far as sugar is the little sugar packets.  Do you know how many of those #(@)ing little packets I would have to be ripping open to make a significant amount of sugar to swallow. 

Not only that but the mess it would be leaving behind.  Like the little fine white powdery residue left across my desk.  People would come walking by and my desk would look like Cocaine central.  Suddenly, I would be getting new text messages “Got some?”  “Need Some?” 

And I’ll start having the weird folks hanging around me more wanting to know if I got a score.  “No I don’t. But I do know the Phillies did lose again to the Dodgers in the 9th.  I didn’t catch the final score.  Sorry” 

“Yeah man, I gotcha”  *wink *wink

Than I spend the rest of the day wondering why old weird Harold keep looking at me funny.  No thanks.  Don’t need that.

So here I suffer, every 4 seconds, making a stupid, childish little sound at work.  Hiccups are not a very manly sound either.  I am not getting any office cred sitting here hiccuping.  I could let out a loud stinky fart in the workplace and have more office cred.  Hiccups in the office – well below hiccups on the office cred list.

So here I sit.  Suffering from Hiccups.  But the best part is that I don’t have to suffer alone.  Hiccups affect those that sit around me too.  So if I suffer, they all suffer.  At least something good came out of this.

You’re Cut Off From Disney World!

Russia invaded Georgia. 

That lead to a very interesting conversation with my sister in law Donna.  Below is how it transpired and yes I was trying to mess with her throughout the conversation.  And I would not really consider this a true Donnaism either.

Donna:  Russia is attacking Georgia.  Do you think we will go to war with Russia.

Me:  No.  It is not our conflict.  It is between Georgia and Russia.

Donna:  But we should be defending Georgia.

Me:  Why?  They have their own army.

Donna:  They do?  Since when?

Me:  Since they won their Independence.

Donna:  They did?  When was that?

Me:  A few years ago they broke away and declared their independence.

Donna: Why did we let them do that?

Me:  It was good for us.  Why would we stop something that would be good for us?

Donna:  How is that good for us?  And why is Russia attacking it?

Me:  Russia wants its oil and the access to the seas.

Donna:  Doesn’t Russia have access to its own seas?

Me:  Yes but they also want Georgia’s too.

Donna:  (sits quietly for a few moments thinking and then says) If Russia wins, will we have to now go around Georgia to get to Disney?

Me:  That’s taking the long way to get to Disney.  Why not just go right down the 95?

Donna: Doesn’t the 95 go through Georgia?

Me:  If Russia wins, we are going to move the 95 to go over Georgia.

Donna:  What???

Me:  What?

Donna:  What are you talking about?

Me:  What are you talking about?  People are dying in a war and you are worried about Micky Mouse and Donald Duck.  How pitiful is that?  It’s not all about you you know!

Donna:  (gets up and walks away)

Thanks For The Ride!

I know I promised a post everyday this week and I blew it.  I got so absorbed in my regular life that I forgot to post.  Sorry about that. 

So now on to the continuing saga of the Mad Man in Chincoteague…..

In Chincoteague, you can easily walk to almost anywhere.  Main Street and Maddox Blvd are the main streets in town and are for the most part walker friendly. 

I say most part because I almost got run over.

I was walking from the carnival grounds to the closest ATM and on the way back a guy was pulling out of a side street without looking.  I was, at this point, in front of his car and he never stopped.  He kept pulling out even as I was clinging on to his hood. 

So there I was facing the car, leaning over his hood, yelling YO!  YO!  YOooooo!!!!!! and the guy keeps pulling out into the street and never slows, stops or looks at me. 

It was not until I pounded down hard with my fist into the hood of his car before he even acknowledged my presence.  He had the nerve to ask what I was doing.  Oh, nothing, just wanted to get a closer look at the bird shit on the hood of your car in this darkness of night you big dope. 

He then had the nerve to complain about the dent I put into his hood.  Actually, I was proud of the dent.  I was proud that I could dent the hood of the car with such force while trying to hold myself up on his hood and not get run over at the same time.

Anyway, after the gentleman was kind enough to drop me off into the street and allow me to move out of the way of his motor vehicle, I proceeded to let him know what I thought of him and wished him a good night.  He also wished me a most pleasant evening and exchanged hand gestures. 

If that was the only bad experience that I had on vacation I can live with that.  And in reality, this is outside of the norm on the island.  The island is a very quiet and peaceful place.  Incidents like the one I mentioned above are rare, at least from my experience.

Are You A Christian?

Occasionally I will be asked if I am a Christian and on those occasions I will give my standard answer that I was raised in the church, I am pretty knowledgeable in the Bible and I believe that there is a good story buried in there somewhere but organized religion has ruined it all. 

This usually where a pretty healthy debate and discussion begins between myself and the person asking.  My wife usually will, at this point, walk away from my side and mingle with others because she knows this is a topic that I can usually frustrate even the most devout of believers. 

But this is not a blog about Christianity and religion.  No this is about my vacation in Chincoteague and frolicking in the waves on the beach of Assateague.  For it was there that I was asked about my beliefs.

The setting is the beach of Assateague.  It is early afternoon and families line the shoreline catching the rays of the sun, playing in the sand, splashing among the waves of the ocean or body surfing and boogie boarding.  The weather was nice and hot and the cool breeze off the water made it comfortable.  I was out in the water waist deep with my 2 nieces and daughter enjoying the waves crashing over us.

As I am standing there a little boy swims over to us and asks me if I would keep an eye on him “in case a wave knocks me over and pull me out to sea.”  I’m not kidding.  He really said that. 

Me, being the helpful person I am and being a parent myself I am always mindful of keeping an eye out for children in the waters.  Even if they are not mine.  That is just the type of guy I am. 

I looked around and didn’t see where this kid’s parents were on the beach.  No one seemed to be looking over him.  Again, not a big deal. 

So one of my nieces asked what his name was and he told us he was Jonathan.  My other niece asked his age and he told us 8.

Then Jonathan looks to me and says, “Ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure, go ahead”

Jonathan: “No.  I asked if you were a Christian.”

At this point, I am thinking what kind of question is this coming from an eight year old.  What does he care at this point?  He has already put his trust, his faith, in me to save him should a wave whisk him off to sea. 

Jonathan:  “Because I don’t want to be in here with no sinners.”

At this point, I am hoping that a big massive wave hits the kid and tosses his ass onto the beach.  I was going to tell him that I was an agnostic and let him figure that one out for the rest of the day.  I wanted to tell him that the majority of people on this beach were sinner because they all piss in the ocean instead of walking to the bath house and to get over it.

My nieces just laughed at Jonathan.  

I took a few dives into some waves and turned to look and found our local bible thumper working his way north along the beach.  Maybe he thought I got swept out to sea because of my sinnerish ways.  Who knows? 

I did look to the heavens and thanked God for giving me one more story to blog about.

Where To Begin?!?

I am back from my vacation in Chincoteague Virginia and I am trying hard to get back into the swing of things.  I am back at work, checking my emails, checking my forums and looking at the few new projects that I have to begin. 

I am proud of myself for I have not checked my work emails at all while on vacation.  I usually check once or twice on vacation but I resisted the urge to check email.  Do I rock or what?

The weather was excellent, the water of the ocean was a little colder than normal for this time of year but it was tolerable, the kids were behaved, and it was one of the best vacations I have had in a long while. 

Chincoteague has to be my favorite vacation spot.  It is not fancy or built up which is why I like it so much.  Even at it’s busiest, Pony Penning, it is still much more quiet than the Jersey Shore or Ocean City Maryland.  One day I will have a house down there.  One day I will spend more than 2 weeks a year down there.  One day, one day…..

I have a lot of interesting stories to blog about but at this moment I have so much work to get to.  I will post every day this week to relate the interesting and funny events that happened.  From the pony swim to the beach, to my sister in law to actually having a Big Mac.  I will report on it all this week.

In the meantime, I have work and personal emails to catch up on, work to do, forums to catch up on, a kitchen to finish, etc……… 

Sometimes it does not pay to go away!