Idle Ramblings of a Slightly Mad Man

I have reported to you all before about Search Terms used to find this silly old blog of mine.  And it has been a while since I have reported on the things people type to find my blog and I always have fun reading others writings about terms that brought them hits.  I am still amazed how many people find my blog through animal testing searches.  People are still finding those three posts to be very popular and interesting reads.  Who knew?

Anywho…..  I thought I would just report on some of the more odd, funny, interesting search terms used to find Idle Ramblings.

Gum Wall Tea - I am a tea lover.  I drink over a gallon of the stuff a day, both hot and Iced.  I don’t think that this is one flavor I would really want to try.  But to each their own.

Women Rubbing Pricks - If you find a few that won’t charge me I would like to know.  My hands are getting tired.

The Clerk Will Ring The Bell - If the clerk is going to ring it for me than what do we need the bell for?  I only ring the bell to get the clerk to come to the sales counter. 

Do Cats Fart - I do not have any first hand knowledge of this but I would assume that they do.  Doesn’t all animals fart?

Get Mad At Everything In The Kitchen - Someone has some anger issues.  How can you get mad at everything?  What can the spoon possibly do to get you that mad at it?  I can understand being pissed at a blender or the George Forman Grill but c’mon - don’t let that ruin a good Quesedilla maker!

Explain Lazy - whenever I get to it

Rubbing Nipples Together - whose?  Mine?  Not possible. 

Find Me Something Interesting - Then come and report it back here so we can all know

Smoking A Joint Before Walking In An Air- I wish WordPress did not cut the rest of it off.  I am very curious as to how this one ended.  Was it an air port?  air plane?  air conditioner?  Or maybe the person smoked a joint before typing this in and he stoned out right after the word air.

Odd Looking Things In My Bowel Movements - Is this like looking up into the clouds and seeing odd looking things in clouds?  What could you possibly be seeing other then corn, lettuce and long brown log shapes?

I Want To Read Something Interesting - Did you find what you were looking for?

My Daughters Undies Remind Me Of Her Mothers - I think professional help is needed for you

People That Don’t Replace The Toilet Paper - What?  Have dirty fingers!?!?!

We were talking about some famous music groups from Philly, over the weekend, and my brother in law mentions “Hall and Oats”. 

My sister in law Donna then proceeds to tell us that she never got that group.  I asked her why? 

She asked “What does Hall and Oats have to do with a city like Philly” 

“What do you mean?  It is their names?”  I say

“I know it is their name but what does Hall and Oats have to do with Philly?  There are no farms around.  What does HAULING OATS do with a city.  No one hauls oats around here.  It should be hauling trash or something.”

I think I bruised my hip as I fell off my chair and hit the floor in laughter.

It snowed here, finally, the other night and we went over to Donna’s - my sister-in-law - so that all the kids could go sledding. 

While they were out sledding she started to make some hot chocolate for all the kids and poured them small cups.  When the kids all came in and stripped out of their outerwear they came and took some sips and then ran to the basement to play.

After a few minutes Donna called down to the kids, “You better get up here and drink this hot chocolate I made!  If it gets any cooler it will be cold!”

I’m just thankful that the laws of thermodynamics work in her house too.

I am convinced that the gods are messing with me and the jokes they are playing on me are just mean.

Recently, I had an issue where my alarm went off and my wife convinced me it was the weekend and I should come back to bed.  Long story short, I was really late for work on a weekday.  Anyway, since then I have put greater effort into trusting my alarm clock.  

Yesterday morning my alarm clock goes off and I jump up out of bed and head to the shower and my wife calls out to me asking what I am doing.  I reply that I am getting up and ready for work and she tells me that it is 4:30.  I’m too smart to fall for this trick.  She laughs and and tells me she is serious and that her clock shows it is 4:30.  I look at her clock and I look at mine and there are two very different times on the clocks. 

Something is screwy here.  I have one of those smart set clocks that never need set or changed.  Basically you plug it in and it already knows the time and date.  I love it.  I have had it for over 9 years.   My wife has one also.  Right now they are now showing the correct time. 

I head to my nightstand and grab my watch that shows it is now 4:34 AM and I am all confused.  I return to my clock and see that the time now shows 8:06 AM and the date is 1 - 1.  Oh, oh! 

I pull the plug out of the wall in hopes that it will reset itself when I plug it back in.  It didn’t work.  Now I begin to think that my clock, my trusted and loyal clock, may be on it’s last leg and that is not good.  Just as I begin to contemplate the impact of having to go and buy a new clock my wife zaps me back into reality by yelling at me to turn of the lights and come back to bed.  We have 2 hours before we need to get back up for work.

I oblige because I am a nice guy but I can’t get back to sleep.  I just lay there awake for the next two hours in the dark waiting for her alarm to go off at 6:30.  Her Alarm!  Not mine! 

I guess I will be out and about this weekend and trying to find a replacement to my trusted old friend.

I was tagged by Teeni over at the Vaguetarian Tea Room with a meme that calls for 7 random facts about me.  The rules are;

# Link to the person who tagged you
# Post the rules on your blog.
# Share seven random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
# Tag seven random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs.
# Leave a comment on their blogs so that they know they have been tagged.

1.  I hate wearing flip flops or sandals.  It is not because I think I have ugly feet, quite the contrary, I have great looking feet for a guy, I just think flip flops and sandals are just very fem!

2.  I like to garden.  I like to plant and grow flowers, vegetables, houseplants, etc.

3.  I used to be big into the drug scene.  I’ve tried a lot of stuff at least once.  One day I came to the realization that I had to grow up and stop.  There was not a major incident that made me need to stop, I just literally work up and day and decided that recreational drugs should be used for recreation and not on a daily basis.

4.  I enjoy cooking.  Other people enjoy my cooking.  When friends and family hear I am cooking steaks and such I get people stopping by.  I have had people request the recipes for my chicken and steak marinades, my beef stew and chili recipes.  I don’t give them out of course but I do have to say that it is flattering that people love my cooking.

5.  I would rather snack on carrots and celery than chips and pretzels

6.  I have a kayak.  I would rather be out on the water in my kayak than sitting on a beach or swimming on a lake.  There is something peaceful about just chilling out, alone, in the middle of a bay, lake or ocean.

7.  I have really hard times trying to come up with 7 random facts for these Meme’s.  It takes me days to try to come up with stuff when I get tagged.  

So there you have it. 

So I am going to tag

Eric - What Else Can I Say? 

Heddy - Life After Lemons

Kara - Here We Go Again

 I tagged these three because I don’t know anyone else enough to tag them but if you read this and want to do it on your own, go for it.!

We don’t have a song.  Other couples do, but not us.  You usually hear other couples songs at their weddings.  They go out and dance to it and everyone goes “Awwww…..” while I throw up in my mouth.

Last night we were laying in bed and my wife asked me to sing to her our song.  Now she knows damn well we don’t have a song and she is, for some reason, setting me up for an argument when all I want to do is go to sleep.  It is already mid-night and I have to get up early for work but do I get quiet?  No!  I get, “Sing me our song!”

Long story short, the wife and I were friends for the longest time before we became and item.  We were both in long term relationships when we met and became friends and when they fell apart we decided to move in together and then one day we just looked at each other, like two old folks asking each other for sex, and I said “Do you wanna?”

She said, “Do you wanna?”

I said, “Sure, why not”

So we hopped a flight to Vegas and got married.  No big wedding.  No family.  No reception.  Nothing. 

Since we never really dated, we never really had a song.  Besides, I am not a mushy guy that hears a song and thinks wow!  That reminds me of my woman.  *insert eyes rolling here! 

Which leads me back to last night.  Laying in bed, trying to fall asleep when she nails me with her “sing me our song” request.  It was way out of left field and I certainly was not looking for an argument at that moment, but she clearly was. 

What is the big deal of a couple song? Why is it so important for her to all of a sudden, at midnight, to need to have a couple song?  Why is it that stupid stuff like this keeps getting me into trouble? 

It is sad when a family member dies.  There is so much sorrow and tears.  From the time that the person dies until the day of the funeral people walk around like zombies. 

Another thing that happens when someone dies……………..

There is no sex.

My alarm clock goes off this morning at 6:15 AM, waking me from a deep slumber, and as I prepare to climb out of bed and head to the shower before work my wife pull me back into the bed and mumbles that it is the weekend and I should come back to bed.

Me, being the tired, exhausted and trusting husband that I am, I listened to her and quickly fell back asleep.

A little later she abruptly wakes me and I starts yelling at me for oversleeping.  I look to the clock and it is now 8:23 AM and it is not the weekend it is a weekday and we’re not only late, we are very late.  With a curse and a leap, I rush to my daughter’s room and wake her for school and then rush to the shower. 

A quick shower and skipping the shave I hurridly dress, throw together lunches and write a late note for my daughter.  I didn’t have time to be creative so I wrote the truth. 

Dear Mrs. *********

Please excuse ********* for being late this morning.  Thought it was the weekend when the alarm went off.  Sorry for the inconvience.

Mr. Idle Ramblings

Short, sweet and to the point.  At this point, my wife rushed out the door, cursing at me for sleeping in. 

I don’t get how this was my fault.  I was just as confused and only did as I was told. 

While out Christmas shopping, my wife and I found the AeroGarden.  I found it interesting and wondered about it.  I asked around if anyone had any experience with it and no one in my circle of friends had.  I didn’t think much about it after that.

Then, on Christmas morning, I opened up a box to find that I was now the owner of the AeroGarden.  I found that it was easy to set up and put together.  The kit had come with Cherry Tomatoes, Lettuce and Herbs.  I decided that I would start with the lettuce.  I mean, c’mon, how can you screw up lettuce.

Within two days of placing the cups in their little holders sprouts started to appear.  I was on my way to my first batch of lettuce and soon, about 2 weeks later, my first salad.

The taste and flavor of the lettuce was refreshing.  I was pleasantly pleased how much lettuce was produced and how well it tasted.  I have pinched off three meals worth of lettuce so far from my AeroGarden and have at least one more to pick.  I am not sure how much longer the lettuce will continue to grow but I do know that I am happy with this product.

I am thinking that next I will try the herbs and see how they do.

Has anyone here tried the Aerogarden?  What have your experiences been like?

It was decided, by my wife, that I needed new underwear for her grandmothers funeral and as such she went out to purchase me some.  It seems that she did not want me to wear my threadbare tighty whites to the funeral because of the off chance that during the carrying of the casket my drawers may drop to my ankles and thus exposing my off white, threadbare, almost see through undies and embarrassing her. 

She brought me home Hanes boxer briefs and told me that I would be hawt (is this how it is spelled in todays lingo?) in them.  I really find that hard to imagine.  The only thing remotely hawt in that room at that moment was the pot of chili I was making.  The guy on the package may look hawt and I think that is what she was referring to but there is nothing hawt about me.  I’m short, scrawny and hung like a chipmunk, everything the model on the package is not.  I have not been hawt to anyone in a really long time, if at all.

As I take the package in my hands and begin to open them I discover that the package has, and advertises proudly on the package, “in resealable pouch”.  A resealable pouch?  Why?  It is not perishable goods.  It does not need to be in a Ziploc bag.  In fact, it scares me that  my new boxer briefs come in a package where a person could have easily opened the package, rubbed the undies along his johnson and/or other undesirable places, and then replace them quickly and easily back in the resealable package. 

At this point I really have no choice but to wear them.  If I don’t, the wife will be pissed, and on top of all that, she threw out my well worn, barely there, threadbare tighty whites.